I'm an artist. Apparently.

I found a link to a personality test. And I took it, because really, why not?

So I am a ISFP.
Introverted (I) 71.43% Extroverted (E) 28.57%
Sensing (S) 58.54% Intuitive (N) 41.46%
Feeling (F) 62.16% Thinking (T) 37.84%
Perceiving (P) 52.5% Judging (J) 47.5%

ISFP - "Artist". Interested in the fine arts. Expression primarily through action or art form. The senses are keener than in other types. 8.8% of total population.

Ok, so maybe. But then I looked at this results page, which has a long list of adjectives, and short lists of favored careers, and disfavored careers. I don't like some of those adjectives. I'll have to take it again sometime, see if things change. It even says that you should take it again. I guess the more you take it, and the more often you get the same result, I guess the more accurate it could be.

So, take the test and tell me what you end up being. And, is it really you?

Déjà vu all over again.

I had an interesting experience the other day. On Tuesday I decided to go to the temple out in Mesa after work. So I find myself driving along the 202, just a mile or two away from my exit at about 5:45 at night. (Traffic was awesomely light! I don’t usually get to that point that quickly on my drive.) And all of a sudden, I remembered being on that road, at that place, at that general time of day, on that very evening, the 23rd of December, exactly four years prior.

It’s not often that I can remember exactly what I was doing any given day of any given year. I usually write down on my calendar some key words of whatever makes a given day special or unique. Then when I read those entries, I can remember that day and what happened. But I needed no words to prompt me to recall that year and that occasion. Just the cloudy sky, lit by the setting sun. My destination that day was so completely different. My activities that evening and that Christmas were just about the polar opposite of this year. This year I spent an evening in the temple, and enjoyed my family on Christmas Eve. Today I’m going to be at my parents’ house, and spend a little more time with them.

There’s no need to go into what happened that Christmas four years ago. But I have been thinking about it, comparing what happened then and where I am now. I don’t know that I’d be who I am today without that Christmas. I’ve learned a lot about myself since then. I’ve learned more of what I want from myself and from my life. Maybe I didn’t need that year and that experience to have gotten to this point, but there it was.

I’ve learned about the Gospel, about forgiveness and repentance. I’ve learned great things about the Atonement and about my relationship with my Savior. I certainly don’t know what my life has in store for me, but I have gained a new acceptance of that not knowing.

I didn’t really intend to get all serious. I was just going to relate a funny moment which contrasted where I’ve been in my life so neatly. But today being Christmas Day, and a time of year to express a renewal of gratitude of Christ and His mission on this earth, and His role in our lives, my thoughts have turned to the lessons that I have learned, and my great gratitude for the effect that the Plan of Salvation has had on my life.

So I hope that all of you have a very Merry Christmas, and strive to always remember that great gift of love that was given to us all. When you exchange your gifts, and you spend time with those you love, make sure to treasure those moments, and express the love that you feel for those around you. Reach out to those that are not present, and make sure that they know that you also think of them. Remember our Father, and His Son, and their great love for you and for me.

EDIT: I realized while I was driving to my parents' house that the title of my post is a little too flippant for the tone that I ended up with. But that really is my style. I joke and I laugh, even at serious subjects or at serious or uncomfortable times. I may laugh and be silly, but inside I'm quite serious and sincere.

While stalking the blogosphere...

The ex non-boyfriend. I saw that phrase while blog-stalking Thursday (the 18th) morning. The phrase as well as the description of the relationship that went along with that title is quite like my relationship with a guy that has occasionally been known as the Bozo. Well, I don't like calling him a bozo, that was just President Shannon's name for him. But it fits, cause really, he didn't always treat me that well. But that's a nice phrase that I can use for him, when I have to talk about him, which is happily not much anymore. But the next time I mention him, maybe I'll toss that term out.

Friday (the 19th) I found this very funny place: Overheard in the Ward. Apparently people send in funny things that they hear in church. I was going back through some of the older posts and found this gem:

Teacher: So the Brother of Jared saw the finger of the Lord.
Boy #1: Did he pull it?
Boy #2 pensively: That would have, like, destroyed a mountain.

I nearly fell off my chair laughing. Here's another one, and very appropriate for the time of year:

Child: I’ve been praying to Santa that he would bring me a pony for Christmas.
Mom: You can’t pray to Santa. He only accepts letters.
Child: If I pray to Heavenly Father, will he make Santa give me one?

There's more, but I recommend you visit and see for yourself.

And now on Monday the 22nd: An article at NYTimes.com, about the actor Philip Seymour Hoffman. It's a really interesting article, and rather long. But what caught my interest was a quote on the last page of the article. He's talking about why he works so much and so hard, and why he takes such diverse parts. "I try to live my life in such a way that I don’t have profound regrets. That’s probably why I work so much. I don’t want to feel I missed something important." That's just something we should all strive for, to live in a way that we don't end up with those major regrets. Hmm, I have thoughts about regrets, but that needs its own post.

Anyways, that's some of the fun things I've found in the last week or so.

Beethoven

I woke up this morning in a rather bad mood. There are reasons for the mood, but they're not really important at the moment. But contributing to the mood was the fact that I'm very overdue for a visit to the chiropractor. My hips have a tendancy to go out of place, and that rather messes everything else up. My lower back, my shoulders, and my neck are all tight and sore. My legs are affected also. Money has been tight, so I have just been dealing with it. (I'm going to go this afternoon and get all put back in place. That will feel so wonderful.)

Anyways, so in addition to mental turmoil, I don't physically feel well. Not a good combination for a good day. I know that I need music to help me through the day. I chose Beethoven to listen to first. On my little flash drive is a folder that contains Beethoven's 5th through 9th symphonies. Becasue of a quirk of naming within that folder, the 9th symphony always plays first. That is my most favorite piece of music. I don't have the words to describe the joy that the music brings to me. I don't know how to express how much it moves me and comforts me. Ok, so I just told you some of how I feel about it, but these words can't describe it adequately.

My favorite movement is the last one, the one that gives the symphony the moniker of "Choral". Maybe I'll give you the words later, but for now I'm feeling a little bit emotional about it. Suffice it to say, most of the words are from a poem by Friedrich Schiller called Ode to Joy. It's all about joy. Joy in life, joy in brotherhood, joy in knowing a loving God and Creator is looking down on us.

When I listen to that symphony, and the last movement in particular, it makes me happy. I have fond memories of performing it. The basic melody of it was one of the first little tunes I learned when I first started playing the flute. The music and the chorus and the wonderful majesty of it can always change my mood for the better. When I listened to it this afternoon, my mental turmoil eased and my physical pains didn't seem so bad.

When next you see me holding up my little warning sign that tells you I'm in a bad mood, just take me aside and tell me to go and listen to Beethoven.

the cloudy sky

I caught a glimpse of the sky through my bedroom blinds. Then I had to take a longer look. The sky this morning was grey and gloomy and overcast. The kind of sky that back East you'd think had weather attached to it. If the clouds would darken just a little bit more, I could think for just a minute that snow would fall.

I miss that. I miss the snow. I miss being able to look out my window and see trees and the snow falling among the bare branches. I miss being bundled up in scarves and hats and gloves and big warm coats.

And then I walked out the door with just a light jacket over my t-shirt. And then I see the news story about the ice storm that shut down a good deal of the Northeast. And then I'm glad to be here.

But I still miss watching the snow fall.

A musical number

So a couple of weeks ago I posted this entry about all the musical stuff that I have to do this month. Yesterday one of the items got checked off the list. I had complained about having to sing in a trio, a song that I had no input in? Well, that's what we sang yesterday. And after the meeting, I felt a bit bad about how I intially felt about it. Especially that I posted my feelings for everyone to see.

We sang in another ward's Relief Society meeting. It was all about Christ, and His birth. We sang at the end of the hour, and had to leave as soon as we finished, because my roommate and I had other meetings to get to. But it was mentioned at the beginning of the meeting that the ward (or maybe just the Relief Society) had dedicated their fast to praying for one sister to be able to get pregnant. Well, I'm aquainted with this sister, and had no idea that she had been having problems. And it seems that there might be other difficulties going on in her life that might or might not be tied to this. (I'm not telling who, because that's just not my business to share.) And then the entire lesson is about the birth of Christ, and how this little baby grew up to be our Savior. And the song we sang is called My Son, My King. All about Mary and her thoughts about her little baby and how He was to save the world.

This forced me to adjust my thinking. To realize that this sister has struggles that I couldn't see. That no matter how strained or stressed or sad she may be, she puts on a cheerful happy face. I think it might have been difficult for her to sit through this meeting, but she stayed, and cried a little (but so did several other people in the room), and participated.

I don't know if I really have a point to make. I've totally lost track of where I was going to go with this. But it's been on my mind all day long, so I thought I would share.

I guess one thing I could learn is to not resent when people ask me to share my talent. I really shouldn't complain when people want me to sing for them. Especially when I get to sing about the Savior. Oh, and to not complain in general. Too often I allow my bad mood to affect the way I treat others. I'm trying to be more aware of this. Well, I guess I need a reminder every so often that I need to be more aware of that. Oh, and to try to remember that everyone has their struggles, and don't let everybody know everything. So I need to not judge people on the outward appearance. Or judge them by their mood or the face they present for others to see. Ok, so I learned lots from yesterday's experience.

Christmas Wish List

There are so many geeky things that I want that I can't afford to buy myself. Maybe one of my friends wants an idea for a gift? Heh, well, I wanted to put this out there, just for fun. (And if I really wanted these things from my friends, I seriously should have posted this list earlier, but in my defense, the first item on the list was only announced yesterday.)

This is the annual ornament offered by the author of one of my favorite webcomics. Only $13.99, and it's only available until the end of the year. Here is where you can go to order it. There are also t-shirts, several of which I do like, but the ornament is the only time-limited thing on there.

This is a cd, compiling the first season of the podcast Writing Excuses. This order page lists all the episodes and bonus features that are on it. I'm not much of a writer, but there are things that as a reader are very interesting to me.

And here is Volume 3 of Schlock Mercenary. There's a bunch of stuff here that I like. Under New Management and The Blackness Between are the 2 volumes I don't have yet. Also in this store is the book Hold on to Your Horses (and the poster), a set of magnets, and other random stuff.

Finally this is one of the offerings from the Sam and Fuzzy store. This is Ninja Showdown, but I also like Conscience Cat, My Skills Are as Varied as They Are Impractical, Cowbell Advisory, and Obtuse Reference. (All shirts are shown in the store link above.)

Let's see, have I forgotten anything? Oh! That's right, one more store.

This is from Brandon Sanderson's store. It's a necklace with a symbol from his book Elantris. It's $49, and comes with several different symbols and colors. I just think they're really pretty. (Info on this is the Silver with Enamel, with the Emerald color background.)

Other stuff in the store include signed hardcover copies of his first books and a couple of random shirts.

Anyways, that's some of the random things I like. Not that I'm expecting any of it, but it was fun to go poke around and find some of this stuff again.

The Messiah

I will be singing in a performance of The Messiah on December 14, at 7pm. It's at the Rose Garden Stake Center. (2939 W Rose Garden Lane) It is requested that you be seated by 6:50, but I know that this event is always well-attended, so you should show up earlier to get good seats.

It has been fun singing and learning this music, but I will be glad to get to the performance.

Rehearsals, singing, and crankiness.

So we’ve had our fourth rehearsal for the Messiah. I invariably am cranky afterwards. I think that I’ve figured out a couple of the reasons for this.

I sit alone in the Soprano section. All the other people that I know well are in other sections. All the people who enjoy my snarky sarcastic humor are sitting far away. So when I have something to say that makes me laugh, or would make my friends laugh, it must go unsaid because I don’t amuse my neighbors. So all those comments must be kept inside, and builds up the tension.

Inner tension and outward irritability also arises from that music snob that I am. Or the wannabe conductor that I can be. Or just the restless singer that wants to just get on with the rehearsal. Eh, who am I kidding? All three of those parts of me combine during rehearsal. Music snob doesn’t really get involved, since I like what I’m singing. Restless singer and wannabe conductor kind of feed off each other. The singer just wants the rehearsal to proceed smoothly so that we can cover as much ground as possible. The conductor wants to take over the rehearsal and do it all her own way. Whenever the singer starts to get agitated about the rampant lack of discipline, conductor wants to be able to stand up and take control. These conflicting personalities can’t actually do anything about the situation, so by the end of rehearsal, you can imagine how frustrated and restless I might get.

Now that I’ve realized the factors to the crankiness, perhaps I’ll be able to not take it out on other people.

Oh, and I have a whole lot of music that I have to learn or take care of in the next month. There is a lot of stress that I all of a sudden feel.

1. Learn the eleven Messiah choruses.
2. Learn the six Soprano solos (I'm the understudy).
3. Sing in a trio for a favor - a song I'd never heard before, have only sung once, and had no input in the choice. (I'm a little more resentful about this one. I just need to get over it.)
4. Plan the Sacrament Christmas program. (Which actually deserves it's own bulleted list.) Musical numbers, congregational songs, and choir numbers. They don't have to be linked like I've done in the past, but I still need to fill about 30 minutes of time. And I have to direct the choir. Well, I could see if I could get Pierce to do one of the choir numbers. Hmmm.
5. Plan the music for the stake YSA fireside. I guess since the new branch is being organized, they're taking whoever is left in the stake callings that take care of that. So I need to get three musical numbers, the opening and closing music, and the chorister and the pianist.

So lots of fun for me.

pretty flower

This is what I saw when I walked out of my apartment this morning. I didn't know that plant had flowers on it.

UPDATE: When I walked out the door two days after this picture was taken, the bloom had already died. I'm glad I got to see it that one time.

Sunset

Because I want to post some pretty pictures and because I'm tired of not having anything new to say.

Blessings of tithing

There are great blessings that come because of tithing. I think most people now expect a story of how this one time I paid my tithing and got some great life-changing testimony-affirming experience happened. Well, that's not the story I have to tell. I didn't pay my tithing, and I'm glad.

Now before you condemn me for being glad I didn't pay my tithing, let me explain. The Sunday before General Conference, I forgot to bring a check with me to church to give my offerings. I was annoyed, because then I'd have three weeks of tithing and a fast offering to give all on one check two weeks later. It all worked out, but I prefer to give as I get paid. Makes it easier to make sure I keep current with it.

This past weekend was Stake Conference. I managed to remember a check the week before, so that was all good. But this week is a little tight. Not only rent, but baseball tickets were coming out of the same paycheck, so a little shifting of the funds was needed. So the little minor fact of not paying my tithing this week is a great blessing. As soon as the next paycheck comes, everything will be fine, and there will be no worries.

Isn't it funny where you can find blessings if you look for them? Normally, I wouldn't think about how not paying tithing is a blessing, but somehow, this week it is.

Now for a musical moment.

This morning the words of a song came to me while I was getting ready for the day.

If we do what's right we have no need to fear,

The results of the election have caused some interesting reactions. A lot of fear and doubt are popping up all over the place.

For the Lord, our helper, will ever be near;

I for one am not worried. Sure there's a bit of concern, but that would be there no matter who won the presidency. No matter who took office, he would still have to prove himself by living up to the campaign promises and speeches. There is enormous pressure to make things better.

In the days of trial his Saints he will cheer,

In fact, I'm not even disappointed. Or angry. Or convinced that I have to leave the country. (That strikes me as a slight over-reaction. But that's just me.) In my mind, the most important thing was a few pieces of legislation that passed in the states that had it on the ballot. That was the most vital thing to be decided this election.

And prosper the cause of truth.

I know that not everyone will agree with me, and that's fine. I am not disparaging anyone's fears or worries. I know that there is still much to wonder and worry about. But I have always tried to worry as little as possible. Some might not agree with how I deal with this stuff (like by mostly ignoring it), but I do think about it. I just choose to not discuss it and I refuse to worry about something I can't change.

We will not retreat, though our numbers may be few
When compared with the opposite host in view;
But an unseen pow'r will aid me and you
In the glorious cause of truth.

I am a firm and adamant believer in that unseen power. Truth will prevail when that power is on our side. Despite the hate and the fear that has been tossed around the last few months as election day approached, the cause went forward, and was defended. I had worries about that, and I knew that I had to do my part. (In fact, that proposition was the only reason that I registered and voted in my first ever election.)

Fear not, courage, though the enemy deride;
We must be victorious, for the Lord is on our side.
We'll not fear the wicked nor give heed to what they say,
But the Lord, our Heav'nly Father, him alone we will obey.

The Lord is on my side. That gives me a powerful sense of peace. I'm not saying that I'm just going to sit here and trust that all will be well. I know there is much to do to prepare for what will come. One of the writers on my blogroll mentioned food storage this morning. I think that is something I can do, and should do. There are other things that I'm trying to do, or wanting to try to do. But I know that I don't have to fear, because I trust in my Lord and God.

Let us all press on in the work of the Lord,
That when life is o'er we may gain a reward;
In the fight for right let us wield a sword,
The mighty sword of truth.

Fear not, though the enemy deride;
Courage, for the Lord is on our side.
We will heed not what the wicked may say,
But the Lord alone we will obey.

I'm not worried, becasue I know who's side I am on, and I know who is there supporting me.

Lists and things

I made a list of all the things that I want to/need to/should do/could do today.

• Write a blog entry.
• Pick one of the tags and do it.
• Check my bank accounts.
• Catch up on the baseball news.
• FedEx those packages.
• Filing for my supervisor.
• Plan for the big move.
• Email and notes to friends that I've neglected.
• Write in letter journal.
• Finish ripping and burning music from the Messiah.

Where to start... First, there needed to be music. I brought some Christmas music to work today. Well, I'm singing in the Messiah this year, so I need to get in the Christmas mood. Then, I needed to get some things out of my head, so I opened the letter journal. (It's a word document that is addressed to a particular person, who may not ever read it.) When I got that out of the way, I checked my account balances. (Notice how actual work productivity isn't even high on the list, let alone something I do first.) Once I ensured that my rent check won't bounce, I turned to work. (Well, after a game or three of Spider Solitare. I love that game.)

Those packages are now ready for pickup. Oh, and I answered the phone several times. And made a call. Now I can focus on some other things for a little while. Like the vital blog entry.

I did look at mlb.com already today and checked the free agent filings. It was good to know that even if all those free agents leave, the D-backs will get a lot of draft picks in return. The farm system will get stocked again.

I found it interesting that of all the randomness of my last entry, the focus was on my hair and appearance, not the hints about moving. Well, I am excited about my hair, so that's ok. I read an article today about haircuts. About a woman with really long hair who on a whim got 8 inches lopped off. Go check it out. My haircut wasn't quite as impulsive. But it is just as drastic. Too bad I didn't get any before and after pics. (Just as a side note, the pic of the author's new haircut is pretty much what my hair looked like after the trauma of my 2nd grade haircut. Imagine having that drastic of a haircut, but not realizing that that's what you were getting. Can you blame me for being hesitant of getting my hair cut?)

Ok, maybe now I'll go get some filing and pretend that I'll be productive for the rest of the afternoon.

Some randomness ...

When I find a husband who can sing, then my friends and I will have our own double quartet. Remember when we struggled to fill in those men's slots? We're only missing my mate, and then they're all filled. I need to find a tenor, I think.

I think that I will be happy to move into a family ward. Even if I have to play the organ. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm done with the YSA thing. Come January, family ward here I come. (Might as well make the moves all at once.)

I have a stockpile of tags and things that I want to do but I'm too lazy. I just need to do one a week. Because I keep finding random ones from my blogroll that I just keep adding onto the list.

I got my hair cut last Saturday. I really like it. (I should call Suzzie and tell her that.) It's even more wild and untamable than it was before. Especially if I fluff the curls. It's fun. And way shorter than it's been in years. In fact, I don't think it's been this short for more than two decades. I really need to get some good pictures of it.

It's a good thing my hair wasn't cut any shorter. I have a fear of getting my hair cut, and I have a greater fear of looking like Little Orphan Annie. But it's just long enough to not form a big red curly afro. If it was just a couple of inches shorter, I think I would be wearing hats or be straightening it everyday.

I'm actually looking forwards to dressing up tonight. I'm pretty sure I'm going to look completely unlike myself. I'm even going to let people take pictures of me. I've got to have a record of this.

Hmm, I think I'm out of randomness for now.

I need a happy post.

Baseball makes me happy. Lets talk about that.

Back in April I wrote this account of when I picked up my season tickets. (You should go read it, I’m rather proud of it.) Last Friday (the 24th) I took another trip downtown to the ballpark. I wasn’t there to pick up tickets this time. Last week I, with my parents, picked new seats. Every year they give the season ticket holders an opportunity to relocate. This year we finally got to the event and picked new seats.

We were supposed to wander around with a group of people, all contemplating new seats and options. But due to a miscommunication, my parents and I ended up being by ourselves, the last people to pick seats. We got our own personal tour of the ballpark. Ok, it wasn’t the whole ballpark, it was less than a dozen sections, but it was nice to have some personal attention.

Now, we’ve always loved our seats, but there were a couple of minor problems. Well, one was rather major: the annoyance of the airflow not being very good in our particular spot. The other problem was that our section tended to be among the ones that the out-of-town fans would populate. Most fans were fine, but certain teams have really obnoxious fans showing up. But otherwise, I have always been happy. (I wish I took a picture of our seats to show you, or even the view of the field from there. Oh well.)

So Louis took us upstairs, to check out the seats on the list he wrote. We started in 316, which is the center section in the upper concourse, and we worked around to our section, which was 309. We really liked these seats. Right in the middle, you can see the entire field. Dad laughed and said we didn’t need to see any more, we’d found our seats. But I wanted to at least look at the other ones, just to make sure. So we stopped at each of the next options, but there were objections to each. In the end, we took those seats in the center.

Section 316, Row 11, Seats 12-16. In the center section, in the center of the row. No more people climbing in front of us. Now we get to be the ones making others get up. We didn’t get up all that often anyway, and now we’ll probably get up less. But this is the view from our new seat. Pretty, isn't it?

Since we made the decision pretty quickly, we still had time before Dad and I had to get back to work. I jokingly suggested we eat at Friday’s Front Row, which overlooks the field. (I’d always wanted to sit up there.) And both Mom and Dad thought that would be fun, so that’s where we had lunch. It’s a great view, isn’t it? Mom was very amused at how giddy and happy I was as we sat at lunch. You have to understand, I love being at the ballpark. I was happy to have moved our seats, and am really excited to have a different experience next year. If only the offseason wasn’t so long.

Hey look what I figured out I could do! Now you can see where we used to sit and where we'll sit next season.

Strange Times

I hate politics.

I really do. I don't like to discuss it. I don't want to be questioned on my thoughts and beliefs. I am content to think about it and then choose where I stand, but I am not telling you where that stand is.

I guess since Election Day is next week I keep seeing political posts popping up all over. And some of the things that I read and see are scary.

One of the propositions on the ballet (here and in other states) has gotten a lot of notice. On one blog I read, there was a little bit of name-calling going on. The author proclaimed that those who didn't agree with their stance were Nazis, and wrong, and crazy, and freaks. This author is merely standing up for what they believe, right? But why, if I don't agree with you, and I stand up for what I believe, am I given such labels? We all have a right, and a responsibility, to stand up for our beliefs. If your belief is different than mine, I respect that. I'm not going to point fingers and call you names. Why can't you do the same? And why is it about hate? Why, if I don't agree, why do you think I hate you? You are spouting hatred at me, by calling me names. You don't know why I make my stand, why do you assume that hatred is motivating me?

I mean, really, if I proclaim baseball the best sport in the world, and you don't agree, I'm not going to call you a nutcase or a freak or stop being your friend. Because I have friends who don't care at all about baseball, and instead love basketball. But they're still my friends, and I love them. And they still love me, despite disagreeing with them.

Why can't everything else be like that? We might disagree, but we can still be friends.

I hate those stickers that say "Don't blame me, I voted for the other guy." You want to live in a Democracy, then you have to deal with what happens. Just because what you wanted didn't happen doesn't give you the right to complain about it. You take what's given, and you make the best of it. Don't just sit back and point fingers at who is to blame for the mess you're in. Don't complain about how life would be better if whoever else got elected instead. Suck it up and deal with it.

One of the great things about this country is that we can vote, that we can stand up for our beliefs. But, we have to support our country after that vote. Do you stop loving your country if the person you didn't vote for get elected? Of course not. But you have to show it. Show it by voting, and then dealing with the fallout of the election without being bitter and resentful if it doesn't go exactly how you wanted it to.
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Thumb Watch

So I'm at Claire's last night, buying some jewelry to help my Halloween costume. And on the rack were rings and watches and bracelets. Some of the bracelets were watches. Even some of the rings were watches. I haven't worn a watch in years, but I still look at my empty wrist as if there's a timepiece there. So I decided that until I replace the battery in my watch, I'll wear a ring.





The smiley face is the second hand. Isn't this so awesome?!? I just love it.

Summer Vacation, Part 4

1. I would rather be alone in a crowd of tens of thousands than feel lonely in a room with 20 friends.
2. I have been and can be unreasonably mean, and I (sometimes) do not have good reasons for disliking people.

I really do want to finish this series of posts. I need to make myself face these parts of me that I want to improve.

I love going to baseball games. I love the game; I love being present for history. I love being in the stands, watching the people, hearing the cheers. I like sitting in my seat, alone, and enjoying myself. Since I go to so many games, I recognize some of the people that sit around my seats. There are people I know that I could sit with, but when I don’t bring any guests, I really do love to be by myself. Even in a crowd of 30,000 people, I’m not lonely. Or if I am lonely, it’s not a painful loneliness; it’s a wish for company, for that one person who would want to go to all of the games with me.

I went to a friend’s house for a party a month or two ago. There were probably around 20 people, all of whom I knew, and they all knew me. But later in the evening, I found myself standing alone, watching everyone else. They had divided into two basic groups, and I didn’t really feel like joining either one. So I stand there, wondering why I feel so lonely, when I’m among friends.

Now, I know that no one meant to exclude me. I knew that I’d be welcomed to sit down and join the larger group. But I didn’t feel like I was a part. I don’t know if it was just my mood, or if that only contributed to be feeling like an outsider. But at least when I sit alone at a ballgame, I don’t feel as lonely as I did that night among my friends.

So maybe I need to be more friendly, more open. Do I seem unapproachable? I know that I don’t make any effort to get to know new people. I know I need to make that effort, but there’s a part of me that doesn’t really see the point in it. Hmm, so my attitude needs to improve first, and then I can work on getting to know people.

Part of it is that I truly do prefer to sit and observe. I don’t want to be the center of attention in a large group. It’s like at a dance, when all of a sudden there’s a big circle, and everyone is watching just one or two people dance at a time. I don’t like that. I really like the smaller groups, when no one’s is really paying attention, and I can relax and just move how I want to. I am fully capable of contributing to a smaller group, I just don’t want to fight for the center of a big group.

As for the second point, well, I’m just mean. I’m sarcastic and cranky. I do judge people, find them annoying, and then try my best to ignore them. I’m working on that last part. There are a couple few people that I find very annoying. But I have begun to try to be nice, to try to see their good points, and try to be understanding and tolerant. It’s working, but slowly. Baby steps.

But tell me honestly, am I unapproachable? How did we become friends? My best friend in high school complained that I was mean to her my freshman year, yet she persevered and we became great friends. (I didn’t realize she thought me mean, I was shy. Very shy. And had low self-esteem. Really low.) Was I mean to you at first? And I laugh a lot. It’s necessary for me. And as Bob mentioned, laughter is a defining characteristic of my personality. Does the laughter help or hurt me?

Other posts in this series: Intro; Part 2; Part 3

So tired...

I've had a headache since Saturday night. Sometimes it seems to be connected to that big knot in between my shoulder blades. Sometimes it seems to block up my sinuses. Sometimes it eases up, and I think it might just go away. But then it comes back again, this time with the added bonus of throbbing behind my left eye. Just what is up with that?

I know I'm stressed because of work. Everything is tense and worrying. So bored, so constantly annoyed at little things.

I don't even feel like eating lunch. I wish I could just sleep until it goes away. Should I go home early? I don't even know if I'm going to get paid for sitting here today. I wish Fasoli's hadn't closed. Today would be a good day to indulge myself there.

Summer Vacation, Part 3

1. I like being in my place by myself. I would live alone if I could afford it.
2. I want a music room. Music is a necessary and vital part of my life.

I suppose I should explain the first one before my roommate gets upset at me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my roommate. But she’s also been on vacation recently, so I’ve had time to remember that I really like to be in my own space, to not worry about how my daily habits might affect anyone else. I get the same feeling when I’m alone at my parents’ house. I’ve always wanted to have my own place. I want to put things away where I want them. I like to leave my stuff around until I feel like picking it up. I want to decorate how I want and have refrigerator poetry. I just would really like to be able to try it.

The funny thing about this wish to be alone is that when I do see off roommate or parents, the first night alone is sometimes a little difficult. At the apartment, I lay awake, hearing all the odd sounds of the neighbors that I normally disregard. Then I keep double- and triple-checking that I had locked the door. Or when I’m at my parents and have their animals to contend with. The animals don’t rest well the first night, and that means that I don’t rest well. But once we all get into a rhythm, and the animals get used to me being there, it’s great.

But living with a roommate is so different than living with my parents, that I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything. It’s been great fun. It’s funny, I might have lived in my parents’ house for four years, but I never felt fully comfortable in the kitchen. Like being able to root through the cupboards and cook what I wanted to, even if I was home alone. Now, I feel no hesitation in cooking my food and occasionally attempting to plan meals, even if my roommate was home. My roommate and I have gotten into a good rhythm, and things have gone very well this year. I’ve really enjoyed living with her. (Oh, and she has let me decorate some, and hang my pictures up. And she likes the refrigerator poetry I bought last week. So I guess I don't need to be alone to be able to do those two things.)

Recently my older sister asked to borrow one of my flutes. Her older daughter has decided to learn how to play that instrument. So I pulled out my first flute, the one that I learned on. I had to polish it, and check the keys and the pads, and make sure it was working well enough. And of course, I had to check the sound and the tone. Just to be thorough. So I pull out a little sonata that also doubles as a fingering exercise and run through it. I wasn’t really sitting in a good posture, and I haven’t played in years. But the sound came out, and the music flowed, and the patterns just came back to my fingers. Certainly not as well or as smooth as I could have played it 10 years ago, but it was still there. It was rather amazing realizing just how much I’ve missed playing my flute.

Every time I house sit for my parents, I take the opportunity to play on their piano. It’s only then that I notice a difference in my day. When living there, I could just sit at the piano at any time and play whatever. But then I moved out. I didn’t realize what the effects of not having a piano would be. I had no idea that playing was a main stress reliever. I have to be more careful about what music I listen to. It really makes a difference in my day when I listen to hymns or to the Tabernacle Choir.

My dad’s den used to be carpeted. They’ve recently replaced the carpet with faux wood tiles. The room wasn’t finished yet, all the furniture was still out in the hallway. Just by walking by and talking to the dog I could hear that ringing echo. So I walk in, and sing a little bit. It was beautiful. The sound, the echo, the warmth of the tone. It’s a shame that furniture has to go back inside. If it were my house, and my choice, the piano would be moving in there, and I would have my music room. But that’s a dream that has to wait for someday.

Mosaic

MyKelle had this up, so I thought I would give it a try. Make your own, it's fun!

To make your own:
a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
b. Using only the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into fd’s mosaic maker.

The questions:
1. What is your first name? Heather
2. What is your favorite food? steak
3. What high school did you go to? Stamford
4. What is your favorite color? blue
5. Who is your celebrity crush? James McAvoy
6. Favorite drink? Pina colada (virgin, of course)
7. Dream vacation? Great Britain
8. Favorite dessert? Chocolate (cookies are a perfectly acceptable form of chocolate.)
9. What you want to be when you grow up? Wife, mother (I searched under family to find this pic.)
10. What do you love most in life? Music
11. One Word to describe you. Feisty
12. Your flickr name (or your blog name or handle or whatever) Kethry’s Garden (the kitten is named Kethry.)

These are the sources for the pictures: 1. Heather in snow, 2. Lemon-Rosemary Grilled Flat Iron Steak, 3. Stamford Park Waterfall, 4. __IR_Cachoeira__, 5. OUT965669, 6. Piña Colada, 7. Early morning Dunstanburgh, 8. 14th August 2007 / Day 226, 9. Joy of life, 10. Bokeh Melody, 11. Fiesty Redhead, 12. Kitten in the Sun

Summer Vacation, Part 2

Because boys and relationships are what are on my mind right now, I figured I’d start with those thoughts.

1. When I get depressed I am more susceptible to temptations, and more likely to want to contact ex-boyfriends.
2. “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”
3. I feel that I can be insecure and needy when I am in a relationship. I get attached and dependent too quickly.

As for the first point, I don’t know that depression is quite the right word. But it’s when I get a little down, a little bit sorry for myself. Which I think is normal, something that everyone goes through. But so I get in that mood, and I can’t always find my way out right away. I think about where I am now, and where I want to be. And I think about the past, and remember the guys I’ve dated, and the relationships I’ve had. Then sometimes I might start dwelling on the past, and wander into areas best left alone. That’s when I most want to call up that ex.

However, when that ex is Charlie, I usually make the call. He is so levelheaded and straightforward. We do look back, and there are references to our relationship, but most of the focus of the conversation is on the present. I’ve been thinking about calling a guy that I dated over the summer. Let’s call him Guy E. That’s why I wanted to call Charlie, and what started this whole train of thought in the first place. Our relationship didn’t exactly last for very long, but it seemed so promising. The main thing holding me back from calling is the uncertainty of whether or not it would do any good. Would he even answer? What if he’s seeing someone now? Would he want to hear from me? Or should I just realize that him not responding to me or calling for several weeks’ time means that he’s done and I should just leave things be?

The second point is a quote that a friend posted online. And that really struck a chord in me. Because that quote describes pretty much the relationship that I had with Guy D. Sad, yes, but I couldn’t see it, or didn’t want to see it for a long time. More honestly, I just didn’t want to admit it.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who has problems with the third point. I just really enjoy being in a relationship. When I’m in that relationship, I want to do whatever I can to stay in that relationship. Hmm, it ties back into the second point, because when someone is a priority, and you’ll do whatever you can to keep that relationship, you won’t rock the boat too hard, because you don’t want to lose that person. Regardless of whether or not it would be better to be out of that relationship, you don’t want to let go. Because after all, they could always change, right?

I did end up calling Charlie. We had a conversation that didn’t even make it to the 15-minute mark, but it helped. He didn’t say whether I should call E or not, but he did point out some possible reasons why I haven’t heard from the guy. And I have to admit that they are reasonable explanations. I don’t know what I want to accomplish by calling. That’s probably the main reason why I haven’t called him yet. I just don’t know. A friend asked if I even wanted anything to happen there. I don’t know. I really liked him, and I had thought that there was a lot of potential between us. But now, I just don’t know. I guess I’m always reaching for closure. Always holding onto the hope that maybe, just maybe, he wants me back in his life, and will do what it takes to keep me there. Or at least I’ll finally hear a reason and explanation that satisfies me and enables me to fully and truly let go.

One good thing about how long it takes me to write an entry is that fact that I can keep editing this. And now that I got to enjoy General Conference and all the wonderful messages, I can look back at these words with a new outlook. I can remember that I don’t need a phone call to define me, or make my life better. I can be patient, and have confidence in the fact that there is plan for me, designed by One who knows my needs. So this post now turns out to end on a more positive than you might have thought it would be. But it was good to walk through all of this. Now that this is here, I can look back to this whenever I lapse back into the bad habits. Hey, and everyone else can learn from my bad mistakes, too. Good for all of us!

A lovely day!

I just love this time of year. The temperature is finally dropping, the autumn decorations are up in the stores. I love that it's getting dark earlier. A month or two ago I went to Michael's and was just wandering around. In the seasonal section I found the autumn decorations. I stood and stared at the display for a couple of minutes. I really miss trees and foilage. I thought that I had taken a picture of the display, because I loved seeing the colors so much, but I guess I didn't. I guess I might just have to go back to the store and see what they have up.

I love the week after General Conference. I find myself all refreshed and motivated. The trick is to see where improvements are needed, make goals, and then stay motivated enough to meet those goals. There were so many messages, so many things I want to improve and to work on. I really want to make changes. So many things I heard were helpful and inspiring.





UPDATE: I realized that I didn't take pictures because I am not a fan of my phone camera's capabilities. But once I download them, and then upload them, I think they get better. Of course they're tiny, but oh well.



a mixed bag

bunch of pumpkins

pretty colors

lots of leaves

.

My Summer Vacation

I haven’t talked to Charlie since my birthday. He’s a person who I can confide in, who listens, and who responds honestly. He has a viewpoint that none of my other friends have. Of course, some of his viewpoints I disagree with, but that just makes it easier to see what I really think or believe. Because while I am explaining to him just why I believe what I do, I put it into words for myself, and can then understand myself and my motivations better. I do have other friends who have that effect, just not to the extent that a conversation with Charlie would have.

Recently I was thinking that I would like very much to call him, but it’s something I feel awkward about it. The timing is … delicate. We generally only talk on our birthdays, but his is in March, and I don’t want to wait that long. The best conversations (with anybody, really) are the ones when we can take our time, when we can update each other about our lives. The time difference means that when I think about talking to him at night, I have to remember that it’s three hours later for him. One might think that a Saturday might be the best day to spend time talking, but I cannot and will not impinge on the time he spends with his girlfriend. So it needs to happen sometime during the week, and in the later afternoon so it doesn’t get to be too late for him. Of course, he could very likely be on the night shift, but I have no way of knowing if his schedule ever changes. And I want to be able to have an open space of time so that he could call me back, or that we could talk. A five-minute conversation while on the way to the gym is not very helpful.

Anyways. I was thinking about all the things that I wanted to talk to him about. He’s very helpful when it comes to guys and their thoughts and motivations. I want his advice. His viewpoint of an older divorced man who is not a member of the Church is very helpful when it comes to the guys that I seem to always be attracted to. Of course, if I actually dated guys who were members, Charlie’s viewpoint won’t be quite as valuable. Having an honest guy’s perspective will always be helpful, but there is a great difference between a guy who’s a member and one who is not.

So I was thinking about what I wanted to talk to him about. Not just the actions, the dates, or the conversations. I learned things about myself these last four months.

1. I like being in my place by myself. I would live alone if I could afford it.
2. I want a music room. Music is a necessary and vital part of my life.
3. I would rather be alone in a crowd of tens of thousands than feel lonely in a room with 20 friends.
4. I have been and can be unreasonably mean, and I (sometimes) do not have good reasons for disliking people.
5. When I get depressed I am more susceptible to temptations, and more likely to want to contact ex-boyfriends.
6. “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”
7. I feel that I am insecure and needy when I am in a relationship. I get attached and dependent too quickly.
8. I don’t do enough to properly care for myself physically.
9. I don’t do enough to properly care for myself spiritually.
10.I don’t do enough to properly care for myself mentally.

I think that’s enough learning for one summer. I didn’t realize that there was going to be so many items on the list. And I don’t necessarily need to talk to him about all of it, but once I got going on this list, it just kept going. In fact, in order to cement what I have learned about myself, I’ll have to explain them. But I think that to explain them all properly, I’ll need to break it up into 3 or 4 different entries.

I'm in!

Holy Hannah! I can sign in to blogger (while at work) again! I tried to get the IT guy to unblock it months ago, but he couldn't get around something, and then today I just clicked on a comment link (which had been blocked before) and it worked so I tried to sign in and it worked! Of course, it's been so long since I'd signed in before, I had no idea what I had set my password to. But, wowza!

Now I actually need to work on writing and blogging.

Random Thoughts

I’m feeling rather cranky this afternoon. Why? I’m not quite sure. The heat, my friend’s personal problems that I wish I could help with, my boredom at work. Some of that, all of that. Maybe it’s indifference. I’m so very ambivalent about my job, but I keep coming back every day. Am I afraid of change? Or is it the work that I would have to do to go somewhere else? Both I think.

I feel strongly about loyalty. That one should be loyal to those that you’ve made a promise to. And not just the explicit promises between say a husband and wife. Between friends, for instance, there should be a level of trust and loyalty. When confidences are shared, you should have loyalty enough to keep your friend’s secrets. And there isn’t any kind of form to fill out, or a contract to sign, but there should exist an unspoken understanding. (Or if you’re particularly cautious, a spoken understanding.) When you have a job, you have an obligation to work, to give your allegiance to your employer. You should care about your work ethic, and how your performance affects your place of employment. On the other hand, when you are the supervisor or the employer, you have a responsibility to those who work for you or under you. You have a responsibility to make sure that their jobs and livelihoods are secure, that they have work and feel productive. At least, you should feel those things.

I recently met a guy. I like him. We seemed to hit it off very well, and I would very much like to explore this relationship and see where it goes. Funnily, that is the title on his personals profile, along the lines of let’s find out where this might go. I meant to ask him how he feels about fiction, particularly my favorite books and movies. He likes to watch sports, and likes to go to baseball games. Which is a lovely thing, because I seem to spend most of my summer at the ballpark. Or at least I plan on spending as much time there as possible this summer. He likes musicals and other cultural performances like the ballet and the symphony. Which is a wonderful thing, as I would very much like someone to go to those things with. Of course, those seasons just ended, but that’s ok, more time for baseball. I wish I could see him sooner than maybe next week.

A list of annoyances

Actually, just three things right now. I don't want to get all carried away with what bothers me, because I certainly don't want to get myself all worked up about it.

"I was just going to say..." I sit in class, and a nice discussion is going on. A question is asked, and hands are raised. The first words out of nearly everyone's mouth? "I was just going to say..." I know you're going to speak. You were called on weren't you? You have something to say, just say it. If you really must preface your comment with something unnecessary, at least say something along the lines of "I was just thinking..." I would really like to know that you were thinking before you opened your mouth.

Make your point already! I might be a little bit impatient at times. But when you finally get past your little preface, informing us that you are going to speak, just say what you have to say. Tell one story, give me one example and then apply it. I really don't want to hear about everything that might possibly remotely be connected. Just make your point and wrap it up.

Not being able to sign into my blog. There is a certain number of websites that are blocked on my computer at work. Somehow, blogger.com is one of them. It really bothers me that there is somehow content that gets the attention of the blocker. I have one more thing to try, and then I am out of ideas. I can look at any of the blogs, but I can't sign in. And without a computer at home, I have to visit my parents and borrow their computer. Not that that is really a hardship, but I have things to do most nights.

The Map

This map is a limited edition print of a map that was gifted to the wonderful people who helped designed the new message boards at theonering.net. I had left the unframed print at my parents' house when I moved, because I had no safe place for it at my new apartment. My parents surprised me by getting it framed. I had gone to their house for dinner, and all of a sudden, there was my map, sitting just inside the door. They told me that they had intended to hang it up and see if I noticed it.

I was so excited to take my map home, and so eager to see it on the wall, that as soon as I got home that night, I put two hangers in the wall and hung it up. The only problem with my enthusiasm is that it was midnight, and I got to meet my upstairs neighbor. Oops, at least he was very polite about it.

Here's the map:

Here's the close-up of the corner. I love the distressed wood. The matting looks somewhat like sparkly gold, and I think goes well with the red tones of the map.

Here's a picture of my name and my neighbors.

It’s the simple things in life that make me happy.

(Note: This post is an experience that took place on Monday, 31 March 2008.)

I’m on my lunch break and going for a little drive. It’s a beautiful day, with a nice breeze coming in through the windows of my car. I love letting my hair get tossed by the wind. It really can tangle up the ends, but it’s a glorious feeling.

I park my car and go for a bit of a walk. There’s not all that much traffic downtown at 12:30 in the afternoon. I cross the street and enjoy having the sidewalks to myself. This solitary walk is very rare. Usually this path is filled with people, all anxious to get into the same place, the building to my left. There isn’t much shade down this sidewalk, but the wind is still blowing, which makes this little lunchtime walk a very nice thing indeed.

I look up and see that the façade of the building doesn’t seem to have changed since the last time I saw it. It’s comforting to see it, to know that in just one week I’ll be going inside.

I reach the end of the building, and turn left to continue following it. I finally reach the window and make my request. The package is too big to fit in the small window opening, so I go to the lobby to meet the woman so she can hand it over. The woman hands me my package and tells me to enjoy it. I am very happy as I thank her for her help.

I turn around and retrace my steps to my car. I feel the contents through the wrapping, and my happiness increases. I’m so glad to have finally gotten this! I want to open it, but I decide to wait until I’m in the car.

As I walk back around the building, I catch glimpses of the interior through the windows. I wish I could go in, but I will in just a week. I am so looking forwards to that.

I get to my car, and open the package. I see the books and the other inserts in the package. I pull out the letter, and skim that. Oh! I have to get back to work, I can read this later.

The wind is still blowing, my hair still getting tossed around, and my package is on the passenger seat. I get back to the office, and pull out the contents. Oh, I don’t know how to say just how happy I am right now.