Some randomness ...

When I find a husband who can sing, then my friends and I will have our own double quartet. Remember when we struggled to fill in those men's slots? We're only missing my mate, and then they're all filled. I need to find a tenor, I think.

I think that I will be happy to move into a family ward. Even if I have to play the organ. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm done with the YSA thing. Come January, family ward here I come. (Might as well make the moves all at once.)

I have a stockpile of tags and things that I want to do but I'm too lazy. I just need to do one a week. Because I keep finding random ones from my blogroll that I just keep adding onto the list.

I got my hair cut last Saturday. I really like it. (I should call Suzzie and tell her that.) It's even more wild and untamable than it was before. Especially if I fluff the curls. It's fun. And way shorter than it's been in years. In fact, I don't think it's been this short for more than two decades. I really need to get some good pictures of it.

It's a good thing my hair wasn't cut any shorter. I have a fear of getting my hair cut, and I have a greater fear of looking like Little Orphan Annie. But it's just long enough to not form a big red curly afro. If it was just a couple of inches shorter, I think I would be wearing hats or be straightening it everyday.

I'm actually looking forwards to dressing up tonight. I'm pretty sure I'm going to look completely unlike myself. I'm even going to let people take pictures of me. I've got to have a record of this.

Hmm, I think I'm out of randomness for now.

I need a happy post.

Baseball makes me happy. Lets talk about that.

Back in April I wrote this account of when I picked up my season tickets. (You should go read it, I’m rather proud of it.) Last Friday (the 24th) I took another trip downtown to the ballpark. I wasn’t there to pick up tickets this time. Last week I, with my parents, picked new seats. Every year they give the season ticket holders an opportunity to relocate. This year we finally got to the event and picked new seats.

We were supposed to wander around with a group of people, all contemplating new seats and options. But due to a miscommunication, my parents and I ended up being by ourselves, the last people to pick seats. We got our own personal tour of the ballpark. Ok, it wasn’t the whole ballpark, it was less than a dozen sections, but it was nice to have some personal attention.

Now, we’ve always loved our seats, but there were a couple of minor problems. Well, one was rather major: the annoyance of the airflow not being very good in our particular spot. The other problem was that our section tended to be among the ones that the out-of-town fans would populate. Most fans were fine, but certain teams have really obnoxious fans showing up. But otherwise, I have always been happy. (I wish I took a picture of our seats to show you, or even the view of the field from there. Oh well.)

So Louis took us upstairs, to check out the seats on the list he wrote. We started in 316, which is the center section in the upper concourse, and we worked around to our section, which was 309. We really liked these seats. Right in the middle, you can see the entire field. Dad laughed and said we didn’t need to see any more, we’d found our seats. But I wanted to at least look at the other ones, just to make sure. So we stopped at each of the next options, but there were objections to each. In the end, we took those seats in the center.

Section 316, Row 11, Seats 12-16. In the center section, in the center of the row. No more people climbing in front of us. Now we get to be the ones making others get up. We didn’t get up all that often anyway, and now we’ll probably get up less. But this is the view from our new seat. Pretty, isn't it?

Since we made the decision pretty quickly, we still had time before Dad and I had to get back to work. I jokingly suggested we eat at Friday’s Front Row, which overlooks the field. (I’d always wanted to sit up there.) And both Mom and Dad thought that would be fun, so that’s where we had lunch. It’s a great view, isn’t it? Mom was very amused at how giddy and happy I was as we sat at lunch. You have to understand, I love being at the ballpark. I was happy to have moved our seats, and am really excited to have a different experience next year. If only the offseason wasn’t so long.

Hey look what I figured out I could do! Now you can see where we used to sit and where we'll sit next season.

Strange Times

I hate politics.

I really do. I don't like to discuss it. I don't want to be questioned on my thoughts and beliefs. I am content to think about it and then choose where I stand, but I am not telling you where that stand is.

I guess since Election Day is next week I keep seeing political posts popping up all over. And some of the things that I read and see are scary.

One of the propositions on the ballet (here and in other states) has gotten a lot of notice. On one blog I read, there was a little bit of name-calling going on. The author proclaimed that those who didn't agree with their stance were Nazis, and wrong, and crazy, and freaks. This author is merely standing up for what they believe, right? But why, if I don't agree with you, and I stand up for what I believe, am I given such labels? We all have a right, and a responsibility, to stand up for our beliefs. If your belief is different than mine, I respect that. I'm not going to point fingers and call you names. Why can't you do the same? And why is it about hate? Why, if I don't agree, why do you think I hate you? You are spouting hatred at me, by calling me names. You don't know why I make my stand, why do you assume that hatred is motivating me?

I mean, really, if I proclaim baseball the best sport in the world, and you don't agree, I'm not going to call you a nutcase or a freak or stop being your friend. Because I have friends who don't care at all about baseball, and instead love basketball. But they're still my friends, and I love them. And they still love me, despite disagreeing with them.

Why can't everything else be like that? We might disagree, but we can still be friends.

I hate those stickers that say "Don't blame me, I voted for the other guy." You want to live in a Democracy, then you have to deal with what happens. Just because what you wanted didn't happen doesn't give you the right to complain about it. You take what's given, and you make the best of it. Don't just sit back and point fingers at who is to blame for the mess you're in. Don't complain about how life would be better if whoever else got elected instead. Suck it up and deal with it.

One of the great things about this country is that we can vote, that we can stand up for our beliefs. But, we have to support our country after that vote. Do you stop loving your country if the person you didn't vote for get elected? Of course not. But you have to show it. Show it by voting, and then dealing with the fallout of the election without being bitter and resentful if it doesn't go exactly how you wanted it to.
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Thumb Watch

So I'm at Claire's last night, buying some jewelry to help my Halloween costume. And on the rack were rings and watches and bracelets. Some of the bracelets were watches. Even some of the rings were watches. I haven't worn a watch in years, but I still look at my empty wrist as if there's a timepiece there. So I decided that until I replace the battery in my watch, I'll wear a ring.





The smiley face is the second hand. Isn't this so awesome?!? I just love it.

Summer Vacation, Part 4

1. I would rather be alone in a crowd of tens of thousands than feel lonely in a room with 20 friends.
2. I have been and can be unreasonably mean, and I (sometimes) do not have good reasons for disliking people.

I really do want to finish this series of posts. I need to make myself face these parts of me that I want to improve.

I love going to baseball games. I love the game; I love being present for history. I love being in the stands, watching the people, hearing the cheers. I like sitting in my seat, alone, and enjoying myself. Since I go to so many games, I recognize some of the people that sit around my seats. There are people I know that I could sit with, but when I don’t bring any guests, I really do love to be by myself. Even in a crowd of 30,000 people, I’m not lonely. Or if I am lonely, it’s not a painful loneliness; it’s a wish for company, for that one person who would want to go to all of the games with me.

I went to a friend’s house for a party a month or two ago. There were probably around 20 people, all of whom I knew, and they all knew me. But later in the evening, I found myself standing alone, watching everyone else. They had divided into two basic groups, and I didn’t really feel like joining either one. So I stand there, wondering why I feel so lonely, when I’m among friends.

Now, I know that no one meant to exclude me. I knew that I’d be welcomed to sit down and join the larger group. But I didn’t feel like I was a part. I don’t know if it was just my mood, or if that only contributed to be feeling like an outsider. But at least when I sit alone at a ballgame, I don’t feel as lonely as I did that night among my friends.

So maybe I need to be more friendly, more open. Do I seem unapproachable? I know that I don’t make any effort to get to know new people. I know I need to make that effort, but there’s a part of me that doesn’t really see the point in it. Hmm, so my attitude needs to improve first, and then I can work on getting to know people.

Part of it is that I truly do prefer to sit and observe. I don’t want to be the center of attention in a large group. It’s like at a dance, when all of a sudden there’s a big circle, and everyone is watching just one or two people dance at a time. I don’t like that. I really like the smaller groups, when no one’s is really paying attention, and I can relax and just move how I want to. I am fully capable of contributing to a smaller group, I just don’t want to fight for the center of a big group.

As for the second point, well, I’m just mean. I’m sarcastic and cranky. I do judge people, find them annoying, and then try my best to ignore them. I’m working on that last part. There are a couple few people that I find very annoying. But I have begun to try to be nice, to try to see their good points, and try to be understanding and tolerant. It’s working, but slowly. Baby steps.

But tell me honestly, am I unapproachable? How did we become friends? My best friend in high school complained that I was mean to her my freshman year, yet she persevered and we became great friends. (I didn’t realize she thought me mean, I was shy. Very shy. And had low self-esteem. Really low.) Was I mean to you at first? And I laugh a lot. It’s necessary for me. And as Bob mentioned, laughter is a defining characteristic of my personality. Does the laughter help or hurt me?

Other posts in this series: Intro; Part 2; Part 3

So tired...

I've had a headache since Saturday night. Sometimes it seems to be connected to that big knot in between my shoulder blades. Sometimes it seems to block up my sinuses. Sometimes it eases up, and I think it might just go away. But then it comes back again, this time with the added bonus of throbbing behind my left eye. Just what is up with that?

I know I'm stressed because of work. Everything is tense and worrying. So bored, so constantly annoyed at little things.

I don't even feel like eating lunch. I wish I could just sleep until it goes away. Should I go home early? I don't even know if I'm going to get paid for sitting here today. I wish Fasoli's hadn't closed. Today would be a good day to indulge myself there.

Summer Vacation, Part 3

1. I like being in my place by myself. I would live alone if I could afford it.
2. I want a music room. Music is a necessary and vital part of my life.

I suppose I should explain the first one before my roommate gets upset at me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my roommate. But she’s also been on vacation recently, so I’ve had time to remember that I really like to be in my own space, to not worry about how my daily habits might affect anyone else. I get the same feeling when I’m alone at my parents’ house. I’ve always wanted to have my own place. I want to put things away where I want them. I like to leave my stuff around until I feel like picking it up. I want to decorate how I want and have refrigerator poetry. I just would really like to be able to try it.

The funny thing about this wish to be alone is that when I do see off roommate or parents, the first night alone is sometimes a little difficult. At the apartment, I lay awake, hearing all the odd sounds of the neighbors that I normally disregard. Then I keep double- and triple-checking that I had locked the door. Or when I’m at my parents and have their animals to contend with. The animals don’t rest well the first night, and that means that I don’t rest well. But once we all get into a rhythm, and the animals get used to me being there, it’s great.

But living with a roommate is so different than living with my parents, that I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything. It’s been great fun. It’s funny, I might have lived in my parents’ house for four years, but I never felt fully comfortable in the kitchen. Like being able to root through the cupboards and cook what I wanted to, even if I was home alone. Now, I feel no hesitation in cooking my food and occasionally attempting to plan meals, even if my roommate was home. My roommate and I have gotten into a good rhythm, and things have gone very well this year. I’ve really enjoyed living with her. (Oh, and she has let me decorate some, and hang my pictures up. And she likes the refrigerator poetry I bought last week. So I guess I don't need to be alone to be able to do those two things.)

Recently my older sister asked to borrow one of my flutes. Her older daughter has decided to learn how to play that instrument. So I pulled out my first flute, the one that I learned on. I had to polish it, and check the keys and the pads, and make sure it was working well enough. And of course, I had to check the sound and the tone. Just to be thorough. So I pull out a little sonata that also doubles as a fingering exercise and run through it. I wasn’t really sitting in a good posture, and I haven’t played in years. But the sound came out, and the music flowed, and the patterns just came back to my fingers. Certainly not as well or as smooth as I could have played it 10 years ago, but it was still there. It was rather amazing realizing just how much I’ve missed playing my flute.

Every time I house sit for my parents, I take the opportunity to play on their piano. It’s only then that I notice a difference in my day. When living there, I could just sit at the piano at any time and play whatever. But then I moved out. I didn’t realize what the effects of not having a piano would be. I had no idea that playing was a main stress reliever. I have to be more careful about what music I listen to. It really makes a difference in my day when I listen to hymns or to the Tabernacle Choir.

My dad’s den used to be carpeted. They’ve recently replaced the carpet with faux wood tiles. The room wasn’t finished yet, all the furniture was still out in the hallway. Just by walking by and talking to the dog I could hear that ringing echo. So I walk in, and sing a little bit. It was beautiful. The sound, the echo, the warmth of the tone. It’s a shame that furniture has to go back inside. If it were my house, and my choice, the piano would be moving in there, and I would have my music room. But that’s a dream that has to wait for someday.

Mosaic

MyKelle had this up, so I thought I would give it a try. Make your own, it's fun!

To make your own:
a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
b. Using only the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into fd’s mosaic maker.

The questions:
1. What is your first name? Heather
2. What is your favorite food? steak
3. What high school did you go to? Stamford
4. What is your favorite color? blue
5. Who is your celebrity crush? James McAvoy
6. Favorite drink? Pina colada (virgin, of course)
7. Dream vacation? Great Britain
8. Favorite dessert? Chocolate (cookies are a perfectly acceptable form of chocolate.)
9. What you want to be when you grow up? Wife, mother (I searched under family to find this pic.)
10. What do you love most in life? Music
11. One Word to describe you. Feisty
12. Your flickr name (or your blog name or handle or whatever) Kethry’s Garden (the kitten is named Kethry.)

These are the sources for the pictures: 1. Heather in snow, 2. Lemon-Rosemary Grilled Flat Iron Steak, 3. Stamford Park Waterfall, 4. __IR_Cachoeira__, 5. OUT965669, 6. Piña Colada, 7. Early morning Dunstanburgh, 8. 14th August 2007 / Day 226, 9. Joy of life, 10. Bokeh Melody, 11. Fiesty Redhead, 12. Kitten in the Sun

Summer Vacation, Part 2

Because boys and relationships are what are on my mind right now, I figured I’d start with those thoughts.

1. When I get depressed I am more susceptible to temptations, and more likely to want to contact ex-boyfriends.
2. “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”
3. I feel that I can be insecure and needy when I am in a relationship. I get attached and dependent too quickly.

As for the first point, I don’t know that depression is quite the right word. But it’s when I get a little down, a little bit sorry for myself. Which I think is normal, something that everyone goes through. But so I get in that mood, and I can’t always find my way out right away. I think about where I am now, and where I want to be. And I think about the past, and remember the guys I’ve dated, and the relationships I’ve had. Then sometimes I might start dwelling on the past, and wander into areas best left alone. That’s when I most want to call up that ex.

However, when that ex is Charlie, I usually make the call. He is so levelheaded and straightforward. We do look back, and there are references to our relationship, but most of the focus of the conversation is on the present. I’ve been thinking about calling a guy that I dated over the summer. Let’s call him Guy E. That’s why I wanted to call Charlie, and what started this whole train of thought in the first place. Our relationship didn’t exactly last for very long, but it seemed so promising. The main thing holding me back from calling is the uncertainty of whether or not it would do any good. Would he even answer? What if he’s seeing someone now? Would he want to hear from me? Or should I just realize that him not responding to me or calling for several weeks’ time means that he’s done and I should just leave things be?

The second point is a quote that a friend posted online. And that really struck a chord in me. Because that quote describes pretty much the relationship that I had with Guy D. Sad, yes, but I couldn’t see it, or didn’t want to see it for a long time. More honestly, I just didn’t want to admit it.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who has problems with the third point. I just really enjoy being in a relationship. When I’m in that relationship, I want to do whatever I can to stay in that relationship. Hmm, it ties back into the second point, because when someone is a priority, and you’ll do whatever you can to keep that relationship, you won’t rock the boat too hard, because you don’t want to lose that person. Regardless of whether or not it would be better to be out of that relationship, you don’t want to let go. Because after all, they could always change, right?

I did end up calling Charlie. We had a conversation that didn’t even make it to the 15-minute mark, but it helped. He didn’t say whether I should call E or not, but he did point out some possible reasons why I haven’t heard from the guy. And I have to admit that they are reasonable explanations. I don’t know what I want to accomplish by calling. That’s probably the main reason why I haven’t called him yet. I just don’t know. A friend asked if I even wanted anything to happen there. I don’t know. I really liked him, and I had thought that there was a lot of potential between us. But now, I just don’t know. I guess I’m always reaching for closure. Always holding onto the hope that maybe, just maybe, he wants me back in his life, and will do what it takes to keep me there. Or at least I’ll finally hear a reason and explanation that satisfies me and enables me to fully and truly let go.

One good thing about how long it takes me to write an entry is that fact that I can keep editing this. And now that I got to enjoy General Conference and all the wonderful messages, I can look back at these words with a new outlook. I can remember that I don’t need a phone call to define me, or make my life better. I can be patient, and have confidence in the fact that there is plan for me, designed by One who knows my needs. So this post now turns out to end on a more positive than you might have thought it would be. But it was good to walk through all of this. Now that this is here, I can look back to this whenever I lapse back into the bad habits. Hey, and everyone else can learn from my bad mistakes, too. Good for all of us!

A lovely day!

I just love this time of year. The temperature is finally dropping, the autumn decorations are up in the stores. I love that it's getting dark earlier. A month or two ago I went to Michael's and was just wandering around. In the seasonal section I found the autumn decorations. I stood and stared at the display for a couple of minutes. I really miss trees and foilage. I thought that I had taken a picture of the display, because I loved seeing the colors so much, but I guess I didn't. I guess I might just have to go back to the store and see what they have up.

I love the week after General Conference. I find myself all refreshed and motivated. The trick is to see where improvements are needed, make goals, and then stay motivated enough to meet those goals. There were so many messages, so many things I want to improve and to work on. I really want to make changes. So many things I heard were helpful and inspiring.





UPDATE: I realized that I didn't take pictures because I am not a fan of my phone camera's capabilities. But once I download them, and then upload them, I think they get better. Of course they're tiny, but oh well.



a mixed bag

bunch of pumpkins

pretty colors

lots of leaves

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My Summer Vacation

I haven’t talked to Charlie since my birthday. He’s a person who I can confide in, who listens, and who responds honestly. He has a viewpoint that none of my other friends have. Of course, some of his viewpoints I disagree with, but that just makes it easier to see what I really think or believe. Because while I am explaining to him just why I believe what I do, I put it into words for myself, and can then understand myself and my motivations better. I do have other friends who have that effect, just not to the extent that a conversation with Charlie would have.

Recently I was thinking that I would like very much to call him, but it’s something I feel awkward about it. The timing is … delicate. We generally only talk on our birthdays, but his is in March, and I don’t want to wait that long. The best conversations (with anybody, really) are the ones when we can take our time, when we can update each other about our lives. The time difference means that when I think about talking to him at night, I have to remember that it’s three hours later for him. One might think that a Saturday might be the best day to spend time talking, but I cannot and will not impinge on the time he spends with his girlfriend. So it needs to happen sometime during the week, and in the later afternoon so it doesn’t get to be too late for him. Of course, he could very likely be on the night shift, but I have no way of knowing if his schedule ever changes. And I want to be able to have an open space of time so that he could call me back, or that we could talk. A five-minute conversation while on the way to the gym is not very helpful.

Anyways. I was thinking about all the things that I wanted to talk to him about. He’s very helpful when it comes to guys and their thoughts and motivations. I want his advice. His viewpoint of an older divorced man who is not a member of the Church is very helpful when it comes to the guys that I seem to always be attracted to. Of course, if I actually dated guys who were members, Charlie’s viewpoint won’t be quite as valuable. Having an honest guy’s perspective will always be helpful, but there is a great difference between a guy who’s a member and one who is not.

So I was thinking about what I wanted to talk to him about. Not just the actions, the dates, or the conversations. I learned things about myself these last four months.

1. I like being in my place by myself. I would live alone if I could afford it.
2. I want a music room. Music is a necessary and vital part of my life.
3. I would rather be alone in a crowd of tens of thousands than feel lonely in a room with 20 friends.
4. I have been and can be unreasonably mean, and I (sometimes) do not have good reasons for disliking people.
5. When I get depressed I am more susceptible to temptations, and more likely to want to contact ex-boyfriends.
6. “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”
7. I feel that I am insecure and needy when I am in a relationship. I get attached and dependent too quickly.
8. I don’t do enough to properly care for myself physically.
9. I don’t do enough to properly care for myself spiritually.
10.I don’t do enough to properly care for myself mentally.

I think that’s enough learning for one summer. I didn’t realize that there was going to be so many items on the list. And I don’t necessarily need to talk to him about all of it, but once I got going on this list, it just kept going. In fact, in order to cement what I have learned about myself, I’ll have to explain them. But I think that to explain them all properly, I’ll need to break it up into 3 or 4 different entries.

I'm in!

Holy Hannah! I can sign in to blogger (while at work) again! I tried to get the IT guy to unblock it months ago, but he couldn't get around something, and then today I just clicked on a comment link (which had been blocked before) and it worked so I tried to sign in and it worked! Of course, it's been so long since I'd signed in before, I had no idea what I had set my password to. But, wowza!

Now I actually need to work on writing and blogging.