My Summer Vacation

I haven’t talked to Charlie since my birthday. He’s a person who I can confide in, who listens, and who responds honestly. He has a viewpoint that none of my other friends have. Of course, some of his viewpoints I disagree with, but that just makes it easier to see what I really think or believe. Because while I am explaining to him just why I believe what I do, I put it into words for myself, and can then understand myself and my motivations better. I do have other friends who have that effect, just not to the extent that a conversation with Charlie would have.

Recently I was thinking that I would like very much to call him, but it’s something I feel awkward about it. The timing is … delicate. We generally only talk on our birthdays, but his is in March, and I don’t want to wait that long. The best conversations (with anybody, really) are the ones when we can take our time, when we can update each other about our lives. The time difference means that when I think about talking to him at night, I have to remember that it’s three hours later for him. One might think that a Saturday might be the best day to spend time talking, but I cannot and will not impinge on the time he spends with his girlfriend. So it needs to happen sometime during the week, and in the later afternoon so it doesn’t get to be too late for him. Of course, he could very likely be on the night shift, but I have no way of knowing if his schedule ever changes. And I want to be able to have an open space of time so that he could call me back, or that we could talk. A five-minute conversation while on the way to the gym is not very helpful.

Anyways. I was thinking about all the things that I wanted to talk to him about. He’s very helpful when it comes to guys and their thoughts and motivations. I want his advice. His viewpoint of an older divorced man who is not a member of the Church is very helpful when it comes to the guys that I seem to always be attracted to. Of course, if I actually dated guys who were members, Charlie’s viewpoint won’t be quite as valuable. Having an honest guy’s perspective will always be helpful, but there is a great difference between a guy who’s a member and one who is not.

So I was thinking about what I wanted to talk to him about. Not just the actions, the dates, or the conversations. I learned things about myself these last four months.

1. I like being in my place by myself. I would live alone if I could afford it.
2. I want a music room. Music is a necessary and vital part of my life.
3. I would rather be alone in a crowd of tens of thousands than feel lonely in a room with 20 friends.
4. I have been and can be unreasonably mean, and I (sometimes) do not have good reasons for disliking people.
5. When I get depressed I am more susceptible to temptations, and more likely to want to contact ex-boyfriends.
6. “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”
7. I feel that I am insecure and needy when I am in a relationship. I get attached and dependent too quickly.
8. I don’t do enough to properly care for myself physically.
9. I don’t do enough to properly care for myself spiritually.
10.I don’t do enough to properly care for myself mentally.

I think that’s enough learning for one summer. I didn’t realize that there was going to be so many items on the list. And I don’t necessarily need to talk to him about all of it, but once I got going on this list, it just kept going. In fact, in order to cement what I have learned about myself, I’ll have to explain them. But I think that to explain them all properly, I’ll need to break it up into 3 or 4 different entries.