some deep thoughts

I have been going through some old computer files lately.  One folder was full of emails and im conversations that i had with one particular guy.  And reading those files, those words that I wrote made me sorry and sad. Because it was part of a relationship that went nowhere, with a guy who I allowed to keep hurting me over and over.

And it made me think about this relationship that I'm in now. Corey is the best guy I've ever dated. And I can talk to him and feel comfortable saying anything to. Well, that's not exactly true. I can relax and be goofy and silly and a dork and I know that he still loves me. There will always be things that I won't be able to say to him, but that's what girlfriends are for, right?

But he listens to me when I'm upset.  He will change his plans, sacrifice his needs for mine. He is just the best guy i've ever known.

More computer time needed

So I really need to update my blog layout and profile.  I just don't spend as much time on the computer anymore.  That blog list needs a cleaning, too.  And I guess I could do something about my facebook profile, too.
And it's been awkward at home recently.  My parents are somewhat disapproving that my relationship with Corey has moved forward so rapidly.  Which I can understand, because they are concerned parents who love me.  But I'm so sure of him, and so sure that being with him is the right thing.
And I've been busy with my sewing and quilting projects.  I am seriously excited about all my projects.  I need to post some pictures soon.  Hmm, I need to borrow mom's camera again.
Anyway, I've been having fun, been busy hiding, I mean working in the craftroom.  Spending time talking to Corey, driving to see him, driving home from seeing him, thinking about him.  Occasionally going to the gym.  I haven't spent much time with my sister and her kids the last couple of weeks, I really need to play with the kids some more. 
That's a goal for this week, spend more time playing with kids.  And pictures to post.  Two goals.  We'll see.  Hmm, also profiles to update.  Wait, wait, I don't want to get too ambitious.  I still need to empty my old phone so I can cancel that number, and I still haven't let everyone know the new number.  Oh, so if I haven't sent you my new number yet, and you want it, comment here or message me on facebook.  Ok, that's enough of a list for the next few days.  We'll see what happens.

Has it been a month already?

Tomorrow it will be one month since I met Corey. This past Sunday we went to a fireside in Mesa, at the same place where we met. Last month, I knew one person and my expectations were rather low on the enjoyment/meeting new people scale. This month, I was there with the one person I wanted to be with, and my expectations of enjoyment were rather high. And it was a great message, full of meaning for both of us. What a difference a month makes.

It's funny, I always smirked a little bit at those people who met someone and practically the next day they were engaged, or knew they were going to get married. I never really expected that I was going to be like that. If Corey was a member of the church then I'd probably be announcing my wedding date. But he's not a member, so we're waiting until he is able to be baptized.

At the fireside on Sunday, the speaker talked about the trials we go through. That sometimes they are because it's life, because of our poor decisions, or because of others' poor decisions. And that sometimes all the preparation, all the studying and praying that you've done, is to prepare you for dealing with the hardships of your life, and the trials associated with it.

Anyways, I'm not going to be telling you much about the specific trials we are going to go through, but I will keep gushing about how happy I am. And I am happy. All morning we were sending sappy text messages back and forth. He is so sweet and good to me. I found a guy that knows about cars, so I might not ever have to visit a mechanic again. He's handy, and knows how to build things and use power tools. He likes to cook, but hates to clean. Which is ok, because cooking stresses me out, and I'm happy to clean up after my own personal chef. He plays the guitar and sings to me all the time. He makes me laugh, and loves to hear me laugh, and loves to see me happy. Most importantly, he has an incredible testimony and love for God. He knows that he needs the church and the Gospel and the Atonement in his life.

And a really neat thing? He loves the missionaries and spending time with them. He loves spending time on the Temple grounds. We plan on spending our Friday nights at the Visitor's Center, watching videos with the elders. So if you ever want to meet him, you can find us there every Friday night. Married folks, find a babysitter and make it a date night. My single friends, come and hang out with us.

A Very Happy New Year

I don't know about you, but this last Christmas and New Years have been the best ever.

A week before Christmas, I went to a fireside in Mesa. Now, normally I avoid firesides, and I don't think I've gone to one in well over a year. But I didn't have anything else to do that Sunday night, and had been used to having been occupied on Sunday nights for the previous couple of months. And the last time I considered going to a Single Adult fireside, I talked myself out of going. But this time was different. I went, fully expecting to not know anyone, or if I was lucky, to know only one person. Turns out I did know one person there, and he introduced me to a couple of other women. Well, I talk to one sister, and we're hanging out by the stage, talking and laughing. At least, I was laughing. Most of you know my laugh, loud and echoing in a half-full gym. So eventually, a guy comes up to us, starts talking.

Apparently he had been there for 30 minutes, trying to decide who to talk to. And since we seemed to be having a real good time, he came up to us. And he and I hit it off so well. We talked for at least 2 hours that night. We talked for 3 hours on the phone Monday, 3-1/2 hours Tuesday, we visited the Temple Lights on Wednesday and talked till 2am, Thursday was another 3 hours, Friday (Christmas Eve) I go over and we sit and talk till midnight, Saturday we go to the home of a woman in his ward, and again, I'm with him for hours.

We have so much in common. The same favorites of so many things, like food, cookies, and music. We have this great spiritual connection, too. We've shared our testimonies, our beliefs, ideas for the future, and plans for implementing scripture study and reading. And he's just so sweet and kind and funny. He gets my sense of humor, I don't have to hold back my sarcasm too much, he's goofy and silly. He loves music, he's singing all the time. Doing little random dances, talks like Kermit the Frog. I have so much fun with him.

Last week was more of the same. I saw him Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. We talk everyday. We've talked so much that I went over my minutes on my phone. Last night we went to Costco and I got a new phone with a plan on Verizon, because nearly everyone I know (including him and my family) are on Verizon.

The only downside (well, not the only one, but a major one) is that he isn't actually a member of the Church yet. And he needs to wait for permission to get baptized. So a major obstacle, but I see such a bright future with him, that I'm going to wait and see what happens next with him.

But just so you know, I am so completely happy when I am with him, or talk to him. It's only a week and a half, but I seriously can't imagine life with out him.

I have news...

Have you ever seen Return to Me? Minnie Driver and David Duchoveny? Heart transplants?

Anyway, early on, these two character meet. She runs over to her best friend's house in the middle of the night to tell best friend that she met someone. She was so excited to have finally met a guy that seemed to have potential and was interested and everything.

So imagine me in an excited whisper: "I met someone. I just wanted you to know."

EDIT: Oh, and he's musical, too! I think I might have finally met someone who could take part in that double quartet.

Early morning rambles.....

Good morning, internets.

I didn't sleep much tonight. My head is full of weirdness. I finally decided to get out of bed at 5am and have something to eat. And maybe I can vent some of this whatever and go to sleep.

Tonight I am singing with a choir that is presenting parts of Handel's Messiah. This will be the third year in a row that I get to take part in singing this music. I love The Messiah. However, my experience with this choir has not been my favorite. In fact, I believe this choir is the most amateur choir or performing group I have ever been a part of. (Well, I guess I should say been part of as an adult, as I'm sure middle school band qualifies as very amateur.) The rehearsals have been trying. One of the (two) conductors is hard to follow. Odd hand signals and arm movements. Constant starting and stopping while rehearsing. But worst of all, to my mind, is the behavior of the choir members.

Some of my friends have sung in several different choirs, both in school and in church. Some of my friends have been in choirs with me. Some have been in choirs that I've conducted. They know how mean I am, and what kind of behavior I expect from my choirs. Even if I'm not conducting, my singing friends know what kind of courtesy should be extended during a rehearsal. However, the people in this choir I am singing with seem to have no idea how to properly behave during a rehearsal. And I don't think they really understand musical etiquette at all. For instance, not turning pages while the orchestra is playing, or the soloists are singing. Or learning how to quietly turn the page. Or learning how to NOT turn the page when there is absolute silence in the room.

There is really so much to vent on, but if I relate everything, I'll get all angry and worked up all over again. So I won't mention the three sopranos who are constantly talking and barely manage to shut up in order to sing. (If they talked just a little bit louder, I'd be able to participate in the conversation.) Or the one lady who sings very loudly and slightly out-of-tune. (In my ear!) Or the conductors who must be slightly deaf to not notice the constant chattering that goes on everywhere. Or the conductors who have not done enough to impress upon people the sacredness of this music, and thus the respect they should have for learning it. But I'm not going to mention any of it.

Another thing bothering me this morning is about guys, three in particular. I'll refer to them as the short guy, the married guy, and the bearded guy. The bearded guy is one that I've met just recently, but was the most interesting guy at an activity I went to. But alas, I found out last night, thanks to facebook, that he is now in a relationship. I am a little disappointed. But as I just met him, I can just shrug him off. But the other two.... I had been hoping that the short one could distract me from the married one (who might become not married, but who knows how long that might take), but shorty is being a doofus, so I'm irritated at him. I had thought that maybe there was potential for a real relationship, but he's not doing anything about it. And I guess part of me hoped that if I was in a relationship, or was even in the tentative beginnings of possibility, I wouldn't think so much about the married one, or worry so about him.

I was watching tv last night, and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was on. I just cannot watch that movie any more. I much prefer the LEGO video game version of it.

Hmm, well, I'm still awake and not really that tired. Maybe I'll go upstairs and try to read. Or maybe turn my video game back on. And looking back over this post, I really need to start writing about more cheerful, happy things. Maybe later, after church, and hopefully a short nap.

I am feeling...

out-of-sorts. Isn't that an odd phrase? You don't say "in sorts". But still, my head is filled with weird and annoying thoughts, and I can't think of a word or phrase to adequately describe it.

cranky. I dislike being cranky and then telling people about it. Because sometimes I don't want to explain all the weirdness that's going on in my head. So what do I say, other than being in a random bad mood?

talkative. But only if I can talk to specific people right now. I mean, my sister has already heard some of it, so I don't want to tread the same ground with her. And if I start talking to just about anyone, then I'll just vent and be totally unproductive (see cranky and out-of-sorts above). But if I could talk to the specific people I want to talk to, then some of these weird thoughts and feelings could (hopefully) get resolved.

(I'm sure all of you understand that the only thing that could create this level of cranky, talkative, and weirdness is when there are guy problems. And there's two of them that are bothering me at the moment. So all the usual problems are multiplied.)

(But I am going to stop talking about that, because I want to get in a good mood. So to continue with other feelings...)

grateful. (It seems odd for me to add this now, but with Thanksgiving just past, I have to say something about it. Especially because I was thinking about writing a post a week or so ago, but I never got around to it. So I'm going to mention some of it here.) I am grateful for reminders of mortality. For instance, funerals. I went to a funeral a couple of weeks ago. I didn't know the lady well, but I had been asked to play a musical number. It was a lovely funeral, as things go, but very weepy. And it made me start thinking about how I might be remembered. Ok, maybe one thing that people will remember about me is that I'm sarcastic and cranky. But there are funny stories, too, right? And surely stories about sports, late nights in parking lots, and music. My laughter will sure to have a special mention. At least, I hope so. But I hope there are smiles and happy memories to share.

grateful. (I needed to make a paragraph break, but I'm grateful for more than just funerals.) I went to an FHE before Thanksgiving, and we all had to share three things we were thankful for. There are so many things, like the Gospel, the Church, the temple, my family, my friends, my health, my paid-for car, etc. But I am especially grateful for living in these days, with all of technology at our fingertips. I love the internet, reading blogs, comics, facebook. I'm not the most social of people, and being able to comfortably listen on my friends' lives is quite nice. And I appreciate when people comment (here or on facebook, or on forums) and validate my online existence. Actually, my online behavior is pretty much the same as my in-person behavior. I'll still just listen to most things, and only occasionally comment. The only difference is that I'm slightly (or maybe extremely) more sarcastic in person. (It was once again pointed out to me that I shouldn't be sarcastic and teasing in text, because the person I was speaking with doesn't know me well enough to recognize my teasing if we're not face to face. Then again, he might not have recognized it face to face either, I don't know.) (Sorry, little digression there.)

better. I do feel better now than I did when I first started writing. Of course, I did eat dinner, and that always helps lift my mood. But I need to remember that when I write things out, I feel better. It doesn't seem to matter which format I use, whether it's a paper journal, this blog, or a magna-doodle. If I write it down, I can purge the thoughts that keep circling.

contemplative. I had a conversation last Friday that really affected me. Well, there was a 24-hour period from Thanksgiving afternoon to Friday night that has really made me take a hard look at myself. Have you ever ignored a problem for so long that you forgot about it, or buried it in so much other stuff that you forget why it was such a problem? Or even pretended that it wasn't a problem? And then get smacked in the face and forced to see that problem and realize that now you have to deal with the results? That was my weekend. So I have had to revisit a lot of things. And I'm trying to change some of my habits so that I can be happier. And that leads me back to...

grateful. For the Gospel, for the Atonement. And for a loving Heavenly Father, and an endlessly generous and kind Savior.

I guess I needed to vent after all. Thanks for listening.