I am feeling...

out-of-sorts. Isn't that an odd phrase? You don't say "in sorts". But still, my head is filled with weird and annoying thoughts, and I can't think of a word or phrase to adequately describe it.

cranky. I dislike being cranky and then telling people about it. Because sometimes I don't want to explain all the weirdness that's going on in my head. So what do I say, other than being in a random bad mood?

talkative. But only if I can talk to specific people right now. I mean, my sister has already heard some of it, so I don't want to tread the same ground with her. And if I start talking to just about anyone, then I'll just vent and be totally unproductive (see cranky and out-of-sorts above). But if I could talk to the specific people I want to talk to, then some of these weird thoughts and feelings could (hopefully) get resolved.

(I'm sure all of you understand that the only thing that could create this level of cranky, talkative, and weirdness is when there are guy problems. And there's two of them that are bothering me at the moment. So all the usual problems are multiplied.)

(But I am going to stop talking about that, because I want to get in a good mood. So to continue with other feelings...)

grateful. (It seems odd for me to add this now, but with Thanksgiving just past, I have to say something about it. Especially because I was thinking about writing a post a week or so ago, but I never got around to it. So I'm going to mention some of it here.) I am grateful for reminders of mortality. For instance, funerals. I went to a funeral a couple of weeks ago. I didn't know the lady well, but I had been asked to play a musical number. It was a lovely funeral, as things go, but very weepy. And it made me start thinking about how I might be remembered. Ok, maybe one thing that people will remember about me is that I'm sarcastic and cranky. But there are funny stories, too, right? And surely stories about sports, late nights in parking lots, and music. My laughter will sure to have a special mention. At least, I hope so. But I hope there are smiles and happy memories to share.

grateful. (I needed to make a paragraph break, but I'm grateful for more than just funerals.) I went to an FHE before Thanksgiving, and we all had to share three things we were thankful for. There are so many things, like the Gospel, the Church, the temple, my family, my friends, my health, my paid-for car, etc. But I am especially grateful for living in these days, with all of technology at our fingertips. I love the internet, reading blogs, comics, facebook. I'm not the most social of people, and being able to comfortably listen on my friends' lives is quite nice. And I appreciate when people comment (here or on facebook, or on forums) and validate my online existence. Actually, my online behavior is pretty much the same as my in-person behavior. I'll still just listen to most things, and only occasionally comment. The only difference is that I'm slightly (or maybe extremely) more sarcastic in person. (It was once again pointed out to me that I shouldn't be sarcastic and teasing in text, because the person I was speaking with doesn't know me well enough to recognize my teasing if we're not face to face. Then again, he might not have recognized it face to face either, I don't know.) (Sorry, little digression there.)

better. I do feel better now than I did when I first started writing. Of course, I did eat dinner, and that always helps lift my mood. But I need to remember that when I write things out, I feel better. It doesn't seem to matter which format I use, whether it's a paper journal, this blog, or a magna-doodle. If I write it down, I can purge the thoughts that keep circling.

contemplative. I had a conversation last Friday that really affected me. Well, there was a 24-hour period from Thanksgiving afternoon to Friday night that has really made me take a hard look at myself. Have you ever ignored a problem for so long that you forgot about it, or buried it in so much other stuff that you forget why it was such a problem? Or even pretended that it wasn't a problem? And then get smacked in the face and forced to see that problem and realize that now you have to deal with the results? That was my weekend. So I have had to revisit a lot of things. And I'm trying to change some of my habits so that I can be happier. And that leads me back to...

grateful. For the Gospel, for the Atonement. And for a loving Heavenly Father, and an endlessly generous and kind Savior.

I guess I needed to vent after all. Thanks for listening.

So, yeah.

I have no idea why I wait so long.

I don't feel good. My head is kinda stuffy. My throat hurts. I woke up this morning with that monthly feeling of despising being a girl.

I did pretty well keeping ahead of the pain by taking the appropriate medication. I went to the gym, did some cardio, lifted weights, had a good morning.

But then I forget to keep the meds going in time. Had dinner and meant to take more, but forgot until just a little bit ago. 5 hours later. So now the achiness is back, with the added bonus of the head and throat irritation.

And I do this all the time. I forget to take something to edge off the headache until I'm absolutely miserable. I don't really like to take pills. A few years ago it seemed that I was eating ibuprofen all the time, so I try not to take too much. So maybe that explains dealing with a headache, but that has nothing to do with why I wouldn't take anything for allergies or a sinus headache.

I don't really have a point. Or if I did I lost it. And I'm too tired to try to find one. But hey, I'm allowed to ramble in my own space, aren't I?

Oh, can I say I love the insurance commercial that has all the animals in it? The one with the croc floating by with the little critters on its back, the lion and the zebra taking a drink together, the animals all playing together. It makes me smile. And I think that's what it will look like in the Celestial Kingdom. Natural enemies playing together, everyone getting along, being friends. Being able to have a lion as a pet. Well, I'd rather have a panther.

On that note....

A bit of philosophy

Earlier today I was thinking about a friend of mine. And how she gets excited about things that I could really not care less about. (But to be fair, I get super excited about things that she doesn't enjoy.) And then I started thinking about how other people might see her. And that got me thinking about how people see me.

I accept that I'm slightly cynical and quite sarcastic. And I know that I entertain my friends with the snarky sarcasm. But what do people who don't know me think? And if you happen to only know me through my intermittent postings, what have those said about me?

Anyway, the point to my musings is wondering if anyone would be surprised that I really can be optimistic. I read this article this afternoon about baseball, that while isn't actually an optimistic article, it perfectly illustrates why I love baseball so much. The author is a former player and manager, and is now a baseball writer. And he talks about how anything can happen in a game. "It's not like a play or a movie where it comes out the same way every time. No one knows how it's going to come out." And that's exactly my favorite thing. Even though my team is in last place, even though August was the first time in a year that they had a winning record in a month, anything can happen when you go to the ballpark. It's always a new day, a new game, endless possibilities.

So maybe it's not a bad thing to be excited about things that other people can't understand. After all, the more places and things you find joy in, the happier you would be. Every day brings new chances, new possibilities, new opportunities.

Well, enough of that. I'm just excited that I posted what I was actually thinking about. I think of things I want to say all the time, but I just never get around to posting. So maybe the post took an hour to write this, but hey look, it's posted!

Reflections in the moonlight

I stood waiting for puppy to do his business. (I'll be so glad when we don't have to go outside with him.) And with nothing better to do, I looked up at the sky.

The moon was rising over the neighbor's house. Usually when I look up at the night sky, I (as I told you a few months ago) think about who else might be looking at the same sky. At first I thought about a guy, but then I thought about you, my invisible internet friends. (That is, if any of you still bother to check up on me. (If you are reading this, I'm so very glad.))

And I thought about how long it had been since I had blogged. Or even checked on my friends' blogs. And I miss writing. I'm not that good a writer, but it's so nice to get things out.

I had written a bunch of letters to a guy. And it's not like he's going to see it. (Unless he decides that he wants to be with me, and then in that case, I'd consider showing him. But it's highly unlikely he'll ever see it.) But writing out my feelings and everything really helped me get over him. And not only that, but it helped clear my head on other topics. And that's also what this blogging thing does for me. And although I wish I was witty and funny, and had all these interesting conversations in the comments (like some other blogs I have read), I'm content to be myself.

The only problem is getting myself to take the time to write. I might just have to keep going outside and looking at the sky in order to remind myself that I want to write and blog. So I might be opening every entry with "So I was looking at the moon..."

Ponderings and Musings - Updated

Regrets and memories are funny things.

Some events I wish I could go back and change. Some things I wish I could undo. Foolishness or carelessness, little things and big things. Usually I wish I could just erase the memory, because it's irritating to dwell on something that I can't change. I dislike thinking of things that make me feel foolish.

Some memories I pull out and look over often. I'll linger over them, replay them, and often try to rearrange things.

Some of those memories I linger over also have regrets attached to them. And I'm quite sure that I'm not the only one to ever do that, look back and regret and wish.

But the strangest thing about my regrets? Sometimes I wish I had more of them.

If I can't go back and undo a mistake, I wish I had made more of them.

As those mistakes shaped who I am now, would one or two more make a difference?

Part of me wants to tell you the mistakes I'm thinking of, but there would be no real point in it. Why should I drag you into those memories of mistakes, which could only be weird and uncomfortable for you. And if those mistakes have been fixed or smoothed over or gotten over, why should I bring them up?

I don't really fall into this mindset very often, and it annoys me when I do. But I wondered. Do any of you wish that you had made more mistakes, made different wrong choices? You don't have to tell me what they are, but it would be nice to know that I'm not the only one who does this.

(I know this is kind of a downer of a post. Next time I'll try to talk about more positive things.)

UPDATED: Since I don't know who all reads the comments, I wanted to make sure this showed up. Kristi commented and said the following: "I wish I had taken more opportunities that could have turned into regrets. I wish I had done more when I was younger. Taken more chances." That's such a better way of looking at all this. And it put me thinking in a different direction, which is always good.