A Very Happy New Year

I don't know about you, but this last Christmas and New Years have been the best ever.

A week before Christmas, I went to a fireside in Mesa. Now, normally I avoid firesides, and I don't think I've gone to one in well over a year. But I didn't have anything else to do that Sunday night, and had been used to having been occupied on Sunday nights for the previous couple of months. And the last time I considered going to a Single Adult fireside, I talked myself out of going. But this time was different. I went, fully expecting to not know anyone, or if I was lucky, to know only one person. Turns out I did know one person there, and he introduced me to a couple of other women. Well, I talk to one sister, and we're hanging out by the stage, talking and laughing. At least, I was laughing. Most of you know my laugh, loud and echoing in a half-full gym. So eventually, a guy comes up to us, starts talking.

Apparently he had been there for 30 minutes, trying to decide who to talk to. And since we seemed to be having a real good time, he came up to us. And he and I hit it off so well. We talked for at least 2 hours that night. We talked for 3 hours on the phone Monday, 3-1/2 hours Tuesday, we visited the Temple Lights on Wednesday and talked till 2am, Thursday was another 3 hours, Friday (Christmas Eve) I go over and we sit and talk till midnight, Saturday we go to the home of a woman in his ward, and again, I'm with him for hours.

We have so much in common. The same favorites of so many things, like food, cookies, and music. We have this great spiritual connection, too. We've shared our testimonies, our beliefs, ideas for the future, and plans for implementing scripture study and reading. And he's just so sweet and kind and funny. He gets my sense of humor, I don't have to hold back my sarcasm too much, he's goofy and silly. He loves music, he's singing all the time. Doing little random dances, talks like Kermit the Frog. I have so much fun with him.

Last week was more of the same. I saw him Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. We talk everyday. We've talked so much that I went over my minutes on my phone. Last night we went to Costco and I got a new phone with a plan on Verizon, because nearly everyone I know (including him and my family) are on Verizon.

The only downside (well, not the only one, but a major one) is that he isn't actually a member of the Church yet. And he needs to wait for permission to get baptized. So a major obstacle, but I see such a bright future with him, that I'm going to wait and see what happens next with him.

But just so you know, I am so completely happy when I am with him, or talk to him. It's only a week and a half, but I seriously can't imagine life with out him.

I am feeling...

out-of-sorts. Isn't that an odd phrase? You don't say "in sorts". But still, my head is filled with weird and annoying thoughts, and I can't think of a word or phrase to adequately describe it.

cranky. I dislike being cranky and then telling people about it. Because sometimes I don't want to explain all the weirdness that's going on in my head. So what do I say, other than being in a random bad mood?

talkative. But only if I can talk to specific people right now. I mean, my sister has already heard some of it, so I don't want to tread the same ground with her. And if I start talking to just about anyone, then I'll just vent and be totally unproductive (see cranky and out-of-sorts above). But if I could talk to the specific people I want to talk to, then some of these weird thoughts and feelings could (hopefully) get resolved.

(I'm sure all of you understand that the only thing that could create this level of cranky, talkative, and weirdness is when there are guy problems. And there's two of them that are bothering me at the moment. So all the usual problems are multiplied.)

(But I am going to stop talking about that, because I want to get in a good mood. So to continue with other feelings...)

grateful. (It seems odd for me to add this now, but with Thanksgiving just past, I have to say something about it. Especially because I was thinking about writing a post a week or so ago, but I never got around to it. So I'm going to mention some of it here.) I am grateful for reminders of mortality. For instance, funerals. I went to a funeral a couple of weeks ago. I didn't know the lady well, but I had been asked to play a musical number. It was a lovely funeral, as things go, but very weepy. And it made me start thinking about how I might be remembered. Ok, maybe one thing that people will remember about me is that I'm sarcastic and cranky. But there are funny stories, too, right? And surely stories about sports, late nights in parking lots, and music. My laughter will sure to have a special mention. At least, I hope so. But I hope there are smiles and happy memories to share.

grateful. (I needed to make a paragraph break, but I'm grateful for more than just funerals.) I went to an FHE before Thanksgiving, and we all had to share three things we were thankful for. There are so many things, like the Gospel, the Church, the temple, my family, my friends, my health, my paid-for car, etc. But I am especially grateful for living in these days, with all of technology at our fingertips. I love the internet, reading blogs, comics, facebook. I'm not the most social of people, and being able to comfortably listen on my friends' lives is quite nice. And I appreciate when people comment (here or on facebook, or on forums) and validate my online existence. Actually, my online behavior is pretty much the same as my in-person behavior. I'll still just listen to most things, and only occasionally comment. The only difference is that I'm slightly (or maybe extremely) more sarcastic in person. (It was once again pointed out to me that I shouldn't be sarcastic and teasing in text, because the person I was speaking with doesn't know me well enough to recognize my teasing if we're not face to face. Then again, he might not have recognized it face to face either, I don't know.) (Sorry, little digression there.)

better. I do feel better now than I did when I first started writing. Of course, I did eat dinner, and that always helps lift my mood. But I need to remember that when I write things out, I feel better. It doesn't seem to matter which format I use, whether it's a paper journal, this blog, or a magna-doodle. If I write it down, I can purge the thoughts that keep circling.

contemplative. I had a conversation last Friday that really affected me. Well, there was a 24-hour period from Thanksgiving afternoon to Friday night that has really made me take a hard look at myself. Have you ever ignored a problem for so long that you forgot about it, or buried it in so much other stuff that you forget why it was such a problem? Or even pretended that it wasn't a problem? And then get smacked in the face and forced to see that problem and realize that now you have to deal with the results? That was my weekend. So I have had to revisit a lot of things. And I'm trying to change some of my habits so that I can be happier. And that leads me back to...

grateful. For the Gospel, for the Atonement. And for a loving Heavenly Father, and an endlessly generous and kind Savior.

I guess I needed to vent after all. Thanks for listening.

Miracles

Today's Relief Society lesson was all about miracles. Shelly, our Relief Society president as well as today's teacher, decided that it was going to be a lesson combined with music, to add to the Spirit and the testimony. And the Young Women joined us for the day, so Adria of the YW presidency helped put together the lesson.

I have heard of the musical program Woman at the Well, but had never heard the music. Shelly and Adria picked three songs from the program. Shelly told the story, we read the scriptures, and then the song was sung. The first was the story of the woman who was healed of her illness just by touched the garment of Jesus. The second was about the 12-year-old daughter of a leader of the synagogue who had just died and then Christ raises her. The last was the story of Lazarus, who died, and was raised after four days. It was a very good lesson. After all the singing, Shelly gave examples of modern miracles, and talked about daily miracles. And then the comments of the sisters in the room about the little miracles that are so important to building up your testimony of the Gospel.

I had been asked to sing the third song, a duet voicing the thoughts and feelings of Mary and Martha, the sisters of Lazarus. The first time I heard the song, I got a little weepy. When I tried to sing along with the recording I had, I had troubles getting through the song without getting choked up. Eventually I got to the point that I was able to get through without a problem. I didn't even think that I was going to have a problem with the song and my emotions.

Well. Our regular pianist wasn't at church today, so I sat down to play prelude and so got to play the opening and closing songs for the meeting. I started to cry as soon as I started to play the opening song, How Great Thou Art. Which is just one of my most favorite hymns. And one that can always make me cry. It's not a good sign if I start crying that early in a meeting. But I still didn't think that I'd have that big of a problem. Once the lesson started, I moved across the room from my belongings, not even remembering to bring my tissues with me.

Shelly started the first story, the woman with the issue of blood, that only wanted to touch the hem of Jesus' garment. Then came the song. And I start to cry. At this point, it's too late. The only way for me to stop crying is to completely ignore the song, or leave the room. I didn't want to do either, so I'm stuck with being an emotional mess.

But since the feelings I had were so sweet and filled me with peace and gratitude, I don't really mind the tears. (However, it would have been better for me to remember my tissues. Luckily, my duet partner had some extra.)

It really is amazing all the wonderful things my Father has given me. The miracle of living on this earth, at this time, having the Gospel, having my family so close, having the blessings of the Church. Knowing about the temple, and being able to go is a miracle and blessing. Waking every day is a great blessing and miracle. Finding my roommate was a great miracle. Getting our couch was a wonderful little miracle.

When it came time for me to sing, I had been steadily sniffing back tears for 20 minutes. And when I stood up to sing, all the room could tell that I had been crying and was on the verge of tears again. I told them it was a good thing the words had been printed up for them, so that if I was incoherent, or stopped singing altogether, they would know what it was supposed to have been. I manage to get through this song, even getting through the part that had tripped me up in the first place. But the last few lines. "Somehow He knew when to be here. / Son of God, / He is always here." I couldn't actually finish the last note for crying. (I'm even starting to cry as I type this.) My only consolation is that I made some of the other sisters in the room cry.

But the whole experience made me so grateful for so many things. For a family that loves and supports me. For a ward family that loves me and prays for me. For friends that still are my friends, even though I make fun of them, or have a laugh at their expense. I'm grateful that my friends stayed around long enough to know that past the cynical and mean exterior, I'm worth getting to know.

I was giving a sister from church a ride home and she told me that I can't hide the fact that I have a soft heart. Which made me laugh, because sometimes I'd rather be seen as mean and cynical, but sometimes no one else sees me that way. (At least among the sisters of my ward, who only see me on Sunday, and who see just the soft-hearted side.)

Anyways, I guess I just wanted to share that I do have a testimony of the Gospel. And that I do know that I am very blessed and lucky. And that miracles are around us, everywhere and everyday.