I am feeling...

out-of-sorts. Isn't that an odd phrase? You don't say "in sorts". But still, my head is filled with weird and annoying thoughts, and I can't think of a word or phrase to adequately describe it.

cranky. I dislike being cranky and then telling people about it. Because sometimes I don't want to explain all the weirdness that's going on in my head. So what do I say, other than being in a random bad mood?

talkative. But only if I can talk to specific people right now. I mean, my sister has already heard some of it, so I don't want to tread the same ground with her. And if I start talking to just about anyone, then I'll just vent and be totally unproductive (see cranky and out-of-sorts above). But if I could talk to the specific people I want to talk to, then some of these weird thoughts and feelings could (hopefully) get resolved.

(I'm sure all of you understand that the only thing that could create this level of cranky, talkative, and weirdness is when there are guy problems. And there's two of them that are bothering me at the moment. So all the usual problems are multiplied.)

(But I am going to stop talking about that, because I want to get in a good mood. So to continue with other feelings...)

grateful. (It seems odd for me to add this now, but with Thanksgiving just past, I have to say something about it. Especially because I was thinking about writing a post a week or so ago, but I never got around to it. So I'm going to mention some of it here.) I am grateful for reminders of mortality. For instance, funerals. I went to a funeral a couple of weeks ago. I didn't know the lady well, but I had been asked to play a musical number. It was a lovely funeral, as things go, but very weepy. And it made me start thinking about how I might be remembered. Ok, maybe one thing that people will remember about me is that I'm sarcastic and cranky. But there are funny stories, too, right? And surely stories about sports, late nights in parking lots, and music. My laughter will sure to have a special mention. At least, I hope so. But I hope there are smiles and happy memories to share.

grateful. (I needed to make a paragraph break, but I'm grateful for more than just funerals.) I went to an FHE before Thanksgiving, and we all had to share three things we were thankful for. There are so many things, like the Gospel, the Church, the temple, my family, my friends, my health, my paid-for car, etc. But I am especially grateful for living in these days, with all of technology at our fingertips. I love the internet, reading blogs, comics, facebook. I'm not the most social of people, and being able to comfortably listen on my friends' lives is quite nice. And I appreciate when people comment (here or on facebook, or on forums) and validate my online existence. Actually, my online behavior is pretty much the same as my in-person behavior. I'll still just listen to most things, and only occasionally comment. The only difference is that I'm slightly (or maybe extremely) more sarcastic in person. (It was once again pointed out to me that I shouldn't be sarcastic and teasing in text, because the person I was speaking with doesn't know me well enough to recognize my teasing if we're not face to face. Then again, he might not have recognized it face to face either, I don't know.) (Sorry, little digression there.)

better. I do feel better now than I did when I first started writing. Of course, I did eat dinner, and that always helps lift my mood. But I need to remember that when I write things out, I feel better. It doesn't seem to matter which format I use, whether it's a paper journal, this blog, or a magna-doodle. If I write it down, I can purge the thoughts that keep circling.

contemplative. I had a conversation last Friday that really affected me. Well, there was a 24-hour period from Thanksgiving afternoon to Friday night that has really made me take a hard look at myself. Have you ever ignored a problem for so long that you forgot about it, or buried it in so much other stuff that you forget why it was such a problem? Or even pretended that it wasn't a problem? And then get smacked in the face and forced to see that problem and realize that now you have to deal with the results? That was my weekend. So I have had to revisit a lot of things. And I'm trying to change some of my habits so that I can be happier. And that leads me back to...

grateful. For the Gospel, for the Atonement. And for a loving Heavenly Father, and an endlessly generous and kind Savior.

I guess I needed to vent after all. Thanks for listening.

More than seven months....

Why should it take so long to accept my facebook friend request? I'm so far past wanting him as my friend. But I'm afraid that if I delete him, I'll get stupid again and wonder how he's doing. No, I'd prolly not get that stupid again.

But seriously, seven months? What is up with that?

I have a story for you...

So funny thing. I have a friend, a guy, who I've known for years, but we don't hang out anymore. Haven't seen him for nearly a year. I occasionally see him about on Facebook. So back in May, I get a random text from a random person saying that this friend of mine gave them my number. At first I think it's a guy, as the conversation was about baseball and this friend said that we should meet, because of having baseball in common. (Which I thought was funny, but as I hardly ever meet guys who like baseball as much as I do, I was ready to be ok with this.) Anyway, I find out later that it was a girl that was texting me. Don't get me wrong, I have lots of friends who are girls who like to go to ballgames, and girls are allowed to like sports, but really, I don't need more girlfriends who like baseball. So I left the guy a message to that effect. Because the whole thing amused me. To my knowledge, he'd never given out my number before, for any reason, and he decided give a girl my number. So I had to talk to him about it, cause really, it's funny.

(Btw, the above story is not the main point of this post, but the background of the point. Which I will eventually get to.)

So I leave a message, he calls back, we chat, catch up somewhat, and talk for nearly 20 minutes. Nice conversation, and then it's over and that was it. (I did see his online conversation with a friend about how he moved, and is now a lot closer to my part of town (don't put things on public facebook, unless you want all your friends to know about it.) which I was interested in, since that meant I might see him at activities (if I bothered to go).) I figured that it'd be awhile until I heard from him again, unless we bumped into each other.

Then comes yesterday. (Wednesday, to be precise.) I got a text message from the guy, inviting me to this scripture class he was going to. Ok, that was unexpected. A few texts back and forth, and he ;) at me at least 6 times. So I guess we're flirting? He invited me to some activity in a couple of days. Then I made a comment about him moving, and he pointed out that he's now closer to me. So maybe I will see him sometime.

So it's just funny. I mean, yeah, I liked him at one point (as did most of my friends at one time or another), and yeah, I'd go out with him if he asked, but I don't expect that. So it's just a little odd to be flirting via text.

I guess I just need to tell the story, because if I bring up this guy to my mom, she'll tell me that I need to go out with him. (My parents know his parents, and they (my parents) totally like his family, and they would not mind at all if I married this guy.) So now I'm thinking about him again, and it's just strange.

Anyway, that was the story. In other news, my car's a/c went out again, I took a little trip to Prescott to get my car up and over 200,000 miles, and I went to IKEA and now have a really nice tv stand (Yay, my tv is off the floor!). Pictures maybe eventually.

Oh, and the guy in this story is totally different from the other guy I've most recently talked about. But my readers are all so smart, I prolly didn't need to clarify.

I'm a little bit confused.

And I don't know what to think right now.

Last summer I was dating a guy who I really liked. Only he was Catholic and I'm Mormon. (Just a little detail, right?) I thought things were going really well. But at the end of the summer, he seemed to back off some. I don't really remember exactly what he said, but the end result was that the religious difference was too much to deal with, so we shouldn't date. And then there was some sort of comment that if we were meant to be together that somehow, someway, God and life would just happen that we meet again.

I think that's the most annoying thing to hear. "If we're meant to be, then we'll be together later." Well, what if this was our only chance, and you won't get another, and you're tossing it away?

I am a firm believer of the reality of God leading my life, if I let Him. I fully believe that He can guide things so that they work out according to His plan and what's best for me. But, I also believe that you should make the most of your opportunities when they're in front of you and not wait for another chance.

Anyway, I didn't figure I'd ever hear from this guy again. So when my phone rings this afternoon and his name is on the display, I am completely shocked. I just stared at my phone for a moment or two. He wants to go to a movie and catch up and everything.

Of course I want to see him. A month ago I was thinking about him and even got so far as to try to look up his address to send him a card or something. Then I thought better of it. And really, he was the one who wanted to put everything up to chance, or luck, or God's will, or the universe, or whatever you want to call it. If he wanted to see me, he would figure out how to contact me.

So he found my phone number and called. So I guess we're seeing a movie. I have to call him in a bit to tell him about the movies and times.

I don't know what to think. I don't know what he wants. But I do know that I have to go home and change my shirt and try to play with my hair, because I am not going out looking like I'm on my way to a baseball game.