1. I would rather be alone in a crowd of tens of thousands than feel lonely in a room with 20 friends.
2. I have been and can be unreasonably mean, and I (sometimes) do not have good reasons for disliking people.
I really do want to finish this series of posts. I need to make myself face these parts of me that I want to improve.
I love going to baseball games. I love the game; I love being present for history. I love being in the stands, watching the people, hearing the cheers. I like sitting in my seat, alone, and enjoying myself. Since I go to so many games, I recognize some of the people that sit around my seats. There are people I know that I could sit with, but when I don’t bring any guests, I really do love to be by myself. Even in a crowd of 30,000 people, I’m not lonely. Or if I am lonely, it’s not a painful loneliness; it’s a wish for company, for that one person who would want to go to all of the games with me.
I went to a friend’s house for a party a month or two ago. There were probably around 20 people, all of whom I knew, and they all knew me. But later in the evening, I found myself standing alone, watching everyone else. They had divided into two basic groups, and I didn’t really feel like joining either one. So I stand there, wondering why I feel so lonely, when I’m among friends.
Now, I know that no one meant to exclude me. I knew that I’d be welcomed to sit down and join the larger group. But I didn’t feel like I was a part. I don’t know if it was just my mood, or if that only contributed to be feeling like an outsider. But at least when I sit alone at a ballgame, I don’t feel as lonely as I did that night among my friends.
So maybe I need to be more friendly, more open. Do I seem unapproachable? I know that I don’t make any effort to get to know new people. I know I need to make that effort, but there’s a part of me that doesn’t really see the point in it. Hmm, so my attitude needs to improve first, and then I can work on getting to know people.
Part of it is that I truly do prefer to sit and observe. I don’t want to be the center of attention in a large group. It’s like at a dance, when all of a sudden there’s a big circle, and everyone is watching just one or two people dance at a time. I don’t like that. I really like the smaller groups, when no one’s is really paying attention, and I can relax and just move how I want to. I am fully capable of contributing to a smaller group, I just don’t want to fight for the center of a big group.
As for the second point, well, I’m just mean. I’m sarcastic and cranky. I do judge people, find them annoying, and then try my best to ignore them. I’m working on that last part. There are a couple few people that I find very annoying. But I have begun to try to be nice, to try to see their good points, and try to be understanding and tolerant. It’s working, but slowly. Baby steps.
But tell me honestly, am I unapproachable? How did we become friends? My best friend in high school complained that I was mean to her my freshman year, yet she persevered and we became great friends. (I didn’t realize she thought me mean, I was shy. Very shy. And had low self-esteem. Really low.) Was I mean to you at first? And I laugh a lot. It’s necessary for me. And as Bob mentioned, laughter is a defining characteristic of my personality. Does the laughter help or hurt me?
Other posts in this series: Intro; Part 2; Part 3
5 comments:
I guess I'll be the first to comment on your post! I remember you from the branch and I think I do remember thinking that you were a little bit intimidating! I don't think it lasted very long because of course you became my visiting teacher! I think I was always kind of scared of you when it came to volleyball! as funny as that sounds! But you are super good and I felt like I needed to be really good to fit in on your team! I'm glad you're my friend and I TOTALLY love how you laugh about everything! I think it adds to your personality! You're an amazing person! p.s.- remember that one night we stayed up with Garet Tryon the whole night long because I had to be somewhere early in the morning and going home would be pointless anyways!?! HAHA. I just thought of that as I was reading this!
I had no problem approaching you altho I didnt know you much at all the first time I talked to you.
I think we were friends that night at the dance when I asked why you hadn't been to volleyball in a while and we just never stopped talking.
I dont think you where ever mean to me but if you were I might have seen it as a joke rather than cruelty.
I think the laughter helps. I enjoy it.
-Bob
@ Ginny: I think volleyball was always a trouble spot. I just want to play a serious game. Is that too much to ask? Heh, well, I always had fun when you were around, you're just too cheerful and nice. I totally rememeber that night with Garrett. That was so fun!
@ Bob: Well I had already laughed at you plenty when at volleyball. And you make me laugh, which always dispells any bad mood, so I find it hard to be mean to you. That and you just brush off what I say, so there's almost no point in it.
Hmm, let's see, you were only mean to me after we were friends. :) But that's how we are to each other. Perhaps what you or other people are deeming as "meanness" is often honesty. Whether or not people want that kind of honesty depends on their personality. I do know though that you have an intolerance to "chickees" as we used to call them. But don't we all? As far as not liking some people, this is my new thing for people I work with that I don't like: "I don't like that man. I must get to know him better" (Lincoln).
Post a Comment