Summer Vacation, Part 2

Because boys and relationships are what are on my mind right now, I figured I’d start with those thoughts.

1. When I get depressed I am more susceptible to temptations, and more likely to want to contact ex-boyfriends.
2. “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”
3. I feel that I can be insecure and needy when I am in a relationship. I get attached and dependent too quickly.

As for the first point, I don’t know that depression is quite the right word. But it’s when I get a little down, a little bit sorry for myself. Which I think is normal, something that everyone goes through. But so I get in that mood, and I can’t always find my way out right away. I think about where I am now, and where I want to be. And I think about the past, and remember the guys I’ve dated, and the relationships I’ve had. Then sometimes I might start dwelling on the past, and wander into areas best left alone. That’s when I most want to call up that ex.

However, when that ex is Charlie, I usually make the call. He is so levelheaded and straightforward. We do look back, and there are references to our relationship, but most of the focus of the conversation is on the present. I’ve been thinking about calling a guy that I dated over the summer. Let’s call him Guy E. That’s why I wanted to call Charlie, and what started this whole train of thought in the first place. Our relationship didn’t exactly last for very long, but it seemed so promising. The main thing holding me back from calling is the uncertainty of whether or not it would do any good. Would he even answer? What if he’s seeing someone now? Would he want to hear from me? Or should I just realize that him not responding to me or calling for several weeks’ time means that he’s done and I should just leave things be?

The second point is a quote that a friend posted online. And that really struck a chord in me. Because that quote describes pretty much the relationship that I had with Guy D. Sad, yes, but I couldn’t see it, or didn’t want to see it for a long time. More honestly, I just didn’t want to admit it.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who has problems with the third point. I just really enjoy being in a relationship. When I’m in that relationship, I want to do whatever I can to stay in that relationship. Hmm, it ties back into the second point, because when someone is a priority, and you’ll do whatever you can to keep that relationship, you won’t rock the boat too hard, because you don’t want to lose that person. Regardless of whether or not it would be better to be out of that relationship, you don’t want to let go. Because after all, they could always change, right?

I did end up calling Charlie. We had a conversation that didn’t even make it to the 15-minute mark, but it helped. He didn’t say whether I should call E or not, but he did point out some possible reasons why I haven’t heard from the guy. And I have to admit that they are reasonable explanations. I don’t know what I want to accomplish by calling. That’s probably the main reason why I haven’t called him yet. I just don’t know. A friend asked if I even wanted anything to happen there. I don’t know. I really liked him, and I had thought that there was a lot of potential between us. But now, I just don’t know. I guess I’m always reaching for closure. Always holding onto the hope that maybe, just maybe, he wants me back in his life, and will do what it takes to keep me there. Or at least I’ll finally hear a reason and explanation that satisfies me and enables me to fully and truly let go.

One good thing about how long it takes me to write an entry is that fact that I can keep editing this. And now that I got to enjoy General Conference and all the wonderful messages, I can look back at these words with a new outlook. I can remember that I don’t need a phone call to define me, or make my life better. I can be patient, and have confidence in the fact that there is plan for me, designed by One who knows my needs. So this post now turns out to end on a more positive than you might have thought it would be. But it was good to walk through all of this. Now that this is here, I can look back to this whenever I lapse back into the bad habits. Hey, and everyone else can learn from my bad mistakes, too. Good for all of us!