so tired

Yesterday was a very long day. I'm not used to being home so early in the afternoon yet. So at 3 in the afternoon, I think it's 5. The day just keeps going and going. That's not always a bad thing, but it wasn't a good thing yesterday.

I had a hard time settling on something to do. Food first. Then I took a book out onto the patio. (I love our patio. It's bigger and it faces south, so I can read until the sun goes down. And the recliner is oh so comfy!) So I read, and occasionally daydreamed.

I've realized what my biggest weakness is. (Well, one of the biggest. And the only one I'm going to share.) I don't really like looking ahead too far. In fact, I spend a lot of time looking backwards. I dwell on what was, on what could have been, or what I wish I did. And I can't change anything, so why am I looking back so much?

Anyway, after it got too dark to read on the porch I went inside. Then I amused my roommate by wandering around the room. I couldn't figure out what to do. But I would occasionally stop and stare out the window. And when I let my mind empty, I found that I would turn back to my contemplation of the past. And I didn't want to do that.

When I finally went to go to bed, I wasn't really that tired. So I read some more. Then I fiddled with the topics and hymns for the next couple of months at church. Then I finally lay down and try to doze off. I found that I started thinking about the guy I had dated last summer. I haven't thought about him much lately. I haven't really wanted to. But somehow my mind kept replaying the last time I saw him. Things he said, things I said, the way he acted. I think I finally figured out why it ended.

I finally turn off the light at about 2am. Then it seems I can't fall asleep. Then there's strange dreams. Then I wake up at 6am, starving. A piece of bread later, I still can't sleep. I've been awake since. But at least the workday is almost over. I can leave soon, go to the store, and lie down. (Lay down? I'm not sure which one.)

Geeze! So many words for a simple problem. Stayed up too late. Restless sleep. Weird dreams. A too early awakening. Hungry.

And I'm zoning out in front of the computer. Oh well, at least I have tomorrow off. I think I'm going to a baseball game. Baseball makes everything better.
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