I am feeling...

out-of-sorts. Isn't that an odd phrase? You don't say "in sorts". But still, my head is filled with weird and annoying thoughts, and I can't think of a word or phrase to adequately describe it.

cranky. I dislike being cranky and then telling people about it. Because sometimes I don't want to explain all the weirdness that's going on in my head. So what do I say, other than being in a random bad mood?

talkative. But only if I can talk to specific people right now. I mean, my sister has already heard some of it, so I don't want to tread the same ground with her. And if I start talking to just about anyone, then I'll just vent and be totally unproductive (see cranky and out-of-sorts above). But if I could talk to the specific people I want to talk to, then some of these weird thoughts and feelings could (hopefully) get resolved.

(I'm sure all of you understand that the only thing that could create this level of cranky, talkative, and weirdness is when there are guy problems. And there's two of them that are bothering me at the moment. So all the usual problems are multiplied.)

(But I am going to stop talking about that, because I want to get in a good mood. So to continue with other feelings...)

grateful. (It seems odd for me to add this now, but with Thanksgiving just past, I have to say something about it. Especially because I was thinking about writing a post a week or so ago, but I never got around to it. So I'm going to mention some of it here.) I am grateful for reminders of mortality. For instance, funerals. I went to a funeral a couple of weeks ago. I didn't know the lady well, but I had been asked to play a musical number. It was a lovely funeral, as things go, but very weepy. And it made me start thinking about how I might be remembered. Ok, maybe one thing that people will remember about me is that I'm sarcastic and cranky. But there are funny stories, too, right? And surely stories about sports, late nights in parking lots, and music. My laughter will sure to have a special mention. At least, I hope so. But I hope there are smiles and happy memories to share.

grateful. (I needed to make a paragraph break, but I'm grateful for more than just funerals.) I went to an FHE before Thanksgiving, and we all had to share three things we were thankful for. There are so many things, like the Gospel, the Church, the temple, my family, my friends, my health, my paid-for car, etc. But I am especially grateful for living in these days, with all of technology at our fingertips. I love the internet, reading blogs, comics, facebook. I'm not the most social of people, and being able to comfortably listen on my friends' lives is quite nice. And I appreciate when people comment (here or on facebook, or on forums) and validate my online existence. Actually, my online behavior is pretty much the same as my in-person behavior. I'll still just listen to most things, and only occasionally comment. The only difference is that I'm slightly (or maybe extremely) more sarcastic in person. (It was once again pointed out to me that I shouldn't be sarcastic and teasing in text, because the person I was speaking with doesn't know me well enough to recognize my teasing if we're not face to face. Then again, he might not have recognized it face to face either, I don't know.) (Sorry, little digression there.)

better. I do feel better now than I did when I first started writing. Of course, I did eat dinner, and that always helps lift my mood. But I need to remember that when I write things out, I feel better. It doesn't seem to matter which format I use, whether it's a paper journal, this blog, or a magna-doodle. If I write it down, I can purge the thoughts that keep circling.

contemplative. I had a conversation last Friday that really affected me. Well, there was a 24-hour period from Thanksgiving afternoon to Friday night that has really made me take a hard look at myself. Have you ever ignored a problem for so long that you forgot about it, or buried it in so much other stuff that you forget why it was such a problem? Or even pretended that it wasn't a problem? And then get smacked in the face and forced to see that problem and realize that now you have to deal with the results? That was my weekend. So I have had to revisit a lot of things. And I'm trying to change some of my habits so that I can be happier. And that leads me back to...

grateful. For the Gospel, for the Atonement. And for a loving Heavenly Father, and an endlessly generous and kind Savior.

I guess I needed to vent after all. Thanks for listening.

a strange thing

So. A really weird thing that I figured out tonight. I've been going through my blogroll, reading the most recent posts of those on the roll. And a lot of the people on my list are members of my church, so there are a lot of reflections on general conference, and testimonies are shared about the gospel and the church and conference.

I feel awkward when they speak of personal and spiritual things, and when I read their testimonies about those personal and spiritual things.

I don't really know why. It's one thing to sit in a church meeting, when you expect to hear things like that. But to just stroll around the internet and read of spiritual things? It's weird. Maybe it's because I don't expect it. Maybe because when I was hanging out with friends, we didn't usually divurge and start talking about the Gospel and spiritual things. I guess that's a failing of me and the people I hung out with, and the types of conversations we could have.

When I go and read other people's blogs, it's a little like hanging out and telling stories and spending time with friends. I love getting glimpses of the personal lives of my friends. But it gives me pause when they talk about the religious stuff. (I don't mean to be flippant, or disrespectful of other people and what they write. That's not what this is about.) So maybe, with all the other things I want/need to work on, I need to remember that my friends do have testimonies, that they do have things in their lives that they feel strongly about.

Anyway. On a related note, I am really glad that I'm adult enough that I look forwards to General Conference and the spiritual high that it brings. And I am glad that I have friends who feel the same way. And I am very glad that I have friends who feel strongly enough about their experiences that they want to share it with everyone. Even if it makes me feel uncomfortable.

A realization and a renewal of resolve.

I have become so passive when it comes to my internet usage. It used to be that I would participate on message boards, do all sorts of things on facebook, and even write on my blog. Now I hardly even sign into anything. I only do to check email and my bank balances. I hardly even come here to check on my friends' blogs.

I've been passive in other things, too. Like church. I still go, I still show up to meetings, but I haven't really put in a lot of effort.

But General Conference has revitalized my soul. (And getting wireless internet in the apartment.) I have a renewed determination to do better in my calling. And I miss writing. Journal writing, whether online, in a word doc, or in a real notebook, clears my mind. I'm not much for introspection, because I don't always like who I am, or more accurately, who I've been recently. But conference held so many great messages for me. Not least of which was pointed reminders that I need to keep my life in order, and that I can't just take the easy way and coast. So I need to take the time to write, to study, to reflect. And take the time to share what I've learned. And now that we have wireless internet, I can borrow the laptop and take it into my roon, or to the table, and be able to be comfortable writing.

Mostly, I want to be a more spiritual person, and live up to the responsibilities that I have. With Stake Conference and then being out of town, and then General Conference, I haven't been to church in weeks. I feel really disconnected from my ward and my calling. I have a presidency meeting tomorrow and I'm hoping that I'll have a clear head and be able to participate fully and freely.

I can't wait until next month's Ensign comes out with all the conference talks. There were so many powerful things said. I'm just glad that I don't have to make the decision on which to choose for lessons. I would have a hard time narrowing it down.

I want to keep talking, but I don't really have anything else to say. Today's been a very different kind of day. It's been a really good weekend, and I did a pretty good job of keeping that kind of feeling going today. Hopefully I can keep this going through the rest of the week.

Random

So there's lots of things that I want to blog about but they kept getting jumbled or pushed aside. So I'm going to just do a little infodump and we'll see what happens.

1. I really want to blog more, but I talk too much. I ramble on and on and can't tell a coherent story. Or I take too long to write a response or a comment. And then I think and think about what I want to say, but then have run out of time or I forget. Or I keep wanting to edit what I write and have to just walk away from it.


2. I totally wanted to post some Get Fuzzy cartoons from this week, but when it saves the picture it saves as a file type that I can't open. It makes me sad because this last week has been hilarious. Check out the entries for the 13th, 14th, and 15th of this month. Anything that pokes fun at the BoSox I love. And these are clever.


3. I overuse the words "so" and "well". Most times I don't care, but it's starting to bug me.


4. I want to do more tags, but I save them to do another day and then I forget them.


5. I love reading webcomics. Problem is when I find new ones and have to do an archive binge.
6. I get distracted very easily whenever I visit tvtropes. (I just spent a half hour looking for the link for #5, beacuse I kept reading other entries.)


7. The downside of spending so much time on the internet is the very short attention span I now have. I have had up to 6 tabs open and switch back and forth whenever I feel the slightest bit bored.

Heh, so 6 of those 7 things are about the internet. And as I only noticed # 3 because of the blogging, it could be argued that all 7 are about the internet. Totally didn't plan that, as I meant to mention baseball. Oh well, maybe another day.