Early morning rambles.....

Good morning, internets.

I didn't sleep much tonight. My head is full of weirdness. I finally decided to get out of bed at 5am and have something to eat. And maybe I can vent some of this whatever and go to sleep.

Tonight I am singing with a choir that is presenting parts of Handel's Messiah. This will be the third year in a row that I get to take part in singing this music. I love The Messiah. However, my experience with this choir has not been my favorite. In fact, I believe this choir is the most amateur choir or performing group I have ever been a part of. (Well, I guess I should say been part of as an adult, as I'm sure middle school band qualifies as very amateur.) The rehearsals have been trying. One of the (two) conductors is hard to follow. Odd hand signals and arm movements. Constant starting and stopping while rehearsing. But worst of all, to my mind, is the behavior of the choir members.

Some of my friends have sung in several different choirs, both in school and in church. Some of my friends have been in choirs with me. Some have been in choirs that I've conducted. They know how mean I am, and what kind of behavior I expect from my choirs. Even if I'm not conducting, my singing friends know what kind of courtesy should be extended during a rehearsal. However, the people in this choir I am singing with seem to have no idea how to properly behave during a rehearsal. And I don't think they really understand musical etiquette at all. For instance, not turning pages while the orchestra is playing, or the soloists are singing. Or learning how to quietly turn the page. Or learning how to NOT turn the page when there is absolute silence in the room.

There is really so much to vent on, but if I relate everything, I'll get all angry and worked up all over again. So I won't mention the three sopranos who are constantly talking and barely manage to shut up in order to sing. (If they talked just a little bit louder, I'd be able to participate in the conversation.) Or the one lady who sings very loudly and slightly out-of-tune. (In my ear!) Or the conductors who must be slightly deaf to not notice the constant chattering that goes on everywhere. Or the conductors who have not done enough to impress upon people the sacredness of this music, and thus the respect they should have for learning it. But I'm not going to mention any of it.

Another thing bothering me this morning is about guys, three in particular. I'll refer to them as the short guy, the married guy, and the bearded guy. The bearded guy is one that I've met just recently, but was the most interesting guy at an activity I went to. But alas, I found out last night, thanks to facebook, that he is now in a relationship. I am a little disappointed. But as I just met him, I can just shrug him off. But the other two.... I had been hoping that the short one could distract me from the married one (who might become not married, but who knows how long that might take), but shorty is being a doofus, so I'm irritated at him. I had thought that maybe there was potential for a real relationship, but he's not doing anything about it. And I guess part of me hoped that if I was in a relationship, or was even in the tentative beginnings of possibility, I wouldn't think so much about the married one, or worry so about him.

I was watching tv last night, and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was on. I just cannot watch that movie any more. I much prefer the LEGO video game version of it.

Hmm, well, I'm still awake and not really that tired. Maybe I'll go upstairs and try to read. Or maybe turn my video game back on. And looking back over this post, I really need to start writing about more cheerful, happy things. Maybe later, after church, and hopefully a short nap.

I am feeling...

out-of-sorts. Isn't that an odd phrase? You don't say "in sorts". But still, my head is filled with weird and annoying thoughts, and I can't think of a word or phrase to adequately describe it.

cranky. I dislike being cranky and then telling people about it. Because sometimes I don't want to explain all the weirdness that's going on in my head. So what do I say, other than being in a random bad mood?

talkative. But only if I can talk to specific people right now. I mean, my sister has already heard some of it, so I don't want to tread the same ground with her. And if I start talking to just about anyone, then I'll just vent and be totally unproductive (see cranky and out-of-sorts above). But if I could talk to the specific people I want to talk to, then some of these weird thoughts and feelings could (hopefully) get resolved.

(I'm sure all of you understand that the only thing that could create this level of cranky, talkative, and weirdness is when there are guy problems. And there's two of them that are bothering me at the moment. So all the usual problems are multiplied.)

(But I am going to stop talking about that, because I want to get in a good mood. So to continue with other feelings...)

grateful. (It seems odd for me to add this now, but with Thanksgiving just past, I have to say something about it. Especially because I was thinking about writing a post a week or so ago, but I never got around to it. So I'm going to mention some of it here.) I am grateful for reminders of mortality. For instance, funerals. I went to a funeral a couple of weeks ago. I didn't know the lady well, but I had been asked to play a musical number. It was a lovely funeral, as things go, but very weepy. And it made me start thinking about how I might be remembered. Ok, maybe one thing that people will remember about me is that I'm sarcastic and cranky. But there are funny stories, too, right? And surely stories about sports, late nights in parking lots, and music. My laughter will sure to have a special mention. At least, I hope so. But I hope there are smiles and happy memories to share.

grateful. (I needed to make a paragraph break, but I'm grateful for more than just funerals.) I went to an FHE before Thanksgiving, and we all had to share three things we were thankful for. There are so many things, like the Gospel, the Church, the temple, my family, my friends, my health, my paid-for car, etc. But I am especially grateful for living in these days, with all of technology at our fingertips. I love the internet, reading blogs, comics, facebook. I'm not the most social of people, and being able to comfortably listen on my friends' lives is quite nice. And I appreciate when people comment (here or on facebook, or on forums) and validate my online existence. Actually, my online behavior is pretty much the same as my in-person behavior. I'll still just listen to most things, and only occasionally comment. The only difference is that I'm slightly (or maybe extremely) more sarcastic in person. (It was once again pointed out to me that I shouldn't be sarcastic and teasing in text, because the person I was speaking with doesn't know me well enough to recognize my teasing if we're not face to face. Then again, he might not have recognized it face to face either, I don't know.) (Sorry, little digression there.)

better. I do feel better now than I did when I first started writing. Of course, I did eat dinner, and that always helps lift my mood. But I need to remember that when I write things out, I feel better. It doesn't seem to matter which format I use, whether it's a paper journal, this blog, or a magna-doodle. If I write it down, I can purge the thoughts that keep circling.

contemplative. I had a conversation last Friday that really affected me. Well, there was a 24-hour period from Thanksgiving afternoon to Friday night that has really made me take a hard look at myself. Have you ever ignored a problem for so long that you forgot about it, or buried it in so much other stuff that you forget why it was such a problem? Or even pretended that it wasn't a problem? And then get smacked in the face and forced to see that problem and realize that now you have to deal with the results? That was my weekend. So I have had to revisit a lot of things. And I'm trying to change some of my habits so that I can be happier. And that leads me back to...

grateful. For the Gospel, for the Atonement. And for a loving Heavenly Father, and an endlessly generous and kind Savior.

I guess I needed to vent after all. Thanks for listening.

So, yeah.

I have no idea why I wait so long.

I don't feel good. My head is kinda stuffy. My throat hurts. I woke up this morning with that monthly feeling of despising being a girl.

I did pretty well keeping ahead of the pain by taking the appropriate medication. I went to the gym, did some cardio, lifted weights, had a good morning.

But then I forget to keep the meds going in time. Had dinner and meant to take more, but forgot until just a little bit ago. 5 hours later. So now the achiness is back, with the added bonus of the head and throat irritation.

And I do this all the time. I forget to take something to edge off the headache until I'm absolutely miserable. I don't really like to take pills. A few years ago it seemed that I was eating ibuprofen all the time, so I try not to take too much. So maybe that explains dealing with a headache, but that has nothing to do with why I wouldn't take anything for allergies or a sinus headache.

I don't really have a point. Or if I did I lost it. And I'm too tired to try to find one. But hey, I'm allowed to ramble in my own space, aren't I?

Oh, can I say I love the insurance commercial that has all the animals in it? The one with the croc floating by with the little critters on its back, the lion and the zebra taking a drink together, the animals all playing together. It makes me smile. And I think that's what it will look like in the Celestial Kingdom. Natural enemies playing together, everyone getting along, being friends. Being able to have a lion as a pet. Well, I'd rather have a panther.

On that note....

Ponderings and Musings - Updated

Regrets and memories are funny things.

Some events I wish I could go back and change. Some things I wish I could undo. Foolishness or carelessness, little things and big things. Usually I wish I could just erase the memory, because it's irritating to dwell on something that I can't change. I dislike thinking of things that make me feel foolish.

Some memories I pull out and look over often. I'll linger over them, replay them, and often try to rearrange things.

Some of those memories I linger over also have regrets attached to them. And I'm quite sure that I'm not the only one to ever do that, look back and regret and wish.

But the strangest thing about my regrets? Sometimes I wish I had more of them.

If I can't go back and undo a mistake, I wish I had made more of them.

As those mistakes shaped who I am now, would one or two more make a difference?

Part of me wants to tell you the mistakes I'm thinking of, but there would be no real point in it. Why should I drag you into those memories of mistakes, which could only be weird and uncomfortable for you. And if those mistakes have been fixed or smoothed over or gotten over, why should I bring them up?

I don't really fall into this mindset very often, and it annoys me when I do. But I wondered. Do any of you wish that you had made more mistakes, made different wrong choices? You don't have to tell me what they are, but it would be nice to know that I'm not the only one who does this.

(I know this is kind of a downer of a post. Next time I'll try to talk about more positive things.)

UPDATED: Since I don't know who all reads the comments, I wanted to make sure this showed up. Kristi commented and said the following: "I wish I had taken more opportunities that could have turned into regrets. I wish I had done more when I was younger. Taken more chances." That's such a better way of looking at all this. And it put me thinking in a different direction, which is always good.

Some random things to make up for not posting in two months.

So it's June already. Still unemployed. But I'm happier about it. After all, now I get regular payments. Things aren't so bad.

Got a new calling. First counselor in the Relief Society presidency. Which is weird, being a single 30-something in a family ward. But it's going well so far. People keep asking me if I'm overwhelmed or nervous or whatever. It's strange, but I don't worry about the teaching or the responsibilities. I worry about having to get to know all the sisters, learn their names, and learn to love them. I don't like meeting new people. I don't like the pressure of learning names and faces and histories. I'll be going visiting this week. The first time as a member of the presidency. I'm sure I'll be fine.

My parents were away this weekend. That means I'm pet-sitting for them. I don't sleep well here anymore. Well, and having to keep my bedroom door open means one of the cats joins me on the bed. Which wakes me up. And having to sleep in a bed that's not my own and is too small and has a mattress that is not right for me. Last night I slept on the couch. It was a much better sleep, even if I did still wake up the same number of times in the night. I'll be sleeping on the couch again. I was about to try to sleep when I remembered that I forgot to file my unemployment for the week. Can't forget that. Then I decided that I needed to get some of these thoughts out of my brain.

There's some other things. But I think I'll save them for later. Just about guys and postsecret and random musings. Maybe by the next time I get online I'll not need to talk about it. Or maybe I'll surprise you and actually have more to say.

Oh! I bought a new dresser a couple weeks ago. From IKEA. I love that place. And I love my dresser. I put it together while watching the Colin Firth version of Pride and Prejudice. It took the entire length of the movie to finish it. But it's so pretty. I had to completely rearrange the boxes stacked around my room to empty the space for it.

Ok, tired now. Going to go to bed. If I don't see you again, have a great June.

(Wait, now that I think about it, I'll be more motivated to post again if I know that I have readers. Post a comment, let me know you noticed that I'm still around. Thanks.)

so tired

Yesterday was a very long day. I'm not used to being home so early in the afternoon yet. So at 3 in the afternoon, I think it's 5. The day just keeps going and going. That's not always a bad thing, but it wasn't a good thing yesterday.

I had a hard time settling on something to do. Food first. Then I took a book out onto the patio. (I love our patio. It's bigger and it faces south, so I can read until the sun goes down. And the recliner is oh so comfy!) So I read, and occasionally daydreamed.

I've realized what my biggest weakness is. (Well, one of the biggest. And the only one I'm going to share.) I don't really like looking ahead too far. In fact, I spend a lot of time looking backwards. I dwell on what was, on what could have been, or what I wish I did. And I can't change anything, so why am I looking back so much?

Anyway, after it got too dark to read on the porch I went inside. Then I amused my roommate by wandering around the room. I couldn't figure out what to do. But I would occasionally stop and stare out the window. And when I let my mind empty, I found that I would turn back to my contemplation of the past. And I didn't want to do that.

When I finally went to go to bed, I wasn't really that tired. So I read some more. Then I fiddled with the topics and hymns for the next couple of months at church. Then I finally lay down and try to doze off. I found that I started thinking about the guy I had dated last summer. I haven't thought about him much lately. I haven't really wanted to. But somehow my mind kept replaying the last time I saw him. Things he said, things I said, the way he acted. I think I finally figured out why it ended.

I finally turn off the light at about 2am. Then it seems I can't fall asleep. Then there's strange dreams. Then I wake up at 6am, starving. A piece of bread later, I still can't sleep. I've been awake since. But at least the workday is almost over. I can leave soon, go to the store, and lie down. (Lay down? I'm not sure which one.)

Geeze! So many words for a simple problem. Stayed up too late. Restless sleep. Weird dreams. A too early awakening. Hungry.

And I'm zoning out in front of the computer. Oh well, at least I have tomorrow off. I think I'm going to a baseball game. Baseball makes everything better.
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Avoidance

I haven't posted for a while. I haven't even checked my blogroll for a couple of weeks because everytime I sign in I see how long it's been since I posted.

I keep thinking about the 3 or so drafts I have tucked away. And thoughts just keep swirling around and around. I want to put them all down, but I have no discipline.

Things are a little bit stressful right now. I've been trying not to think about it. But I suppose I'm going about it all the wrong way, by completely avoiding the things that are bothering me. If I could just figure out what I could do to help myself, or even start to help solve the problem, my mental state would probably even out a little bit.

Eh, whatever, I'm not going to dwell on it overmuch. Well, that's a lie, because I certainly will think about it and worry, but I don't really want to share everything here. Instead I'll try to finish up those drafts I have stewing and get them out of my head.

As I look out the window of the office, I can see that the sky has clouded over. It's getting a bit dark and looks a bit like rain.

I wish it would rain. Then I could go stand out in it and try to let the stress wash off.

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A full brain

There are so many things I want to talk about. So many things are circling around in my head that I just want to get them out. But I don't want to talk about some of them because I really want to stop thinking about them.

I want to talk about the new apartment, and how being in a new place physically is helping me try harder to get in a new place mentally and spiritually. Not to mention making me try to organize my life in all the other mundane daily stuff.

I want to revisit and finish the drafts that I have tucked away.

I'm really curious as to how soon I'll get a calling in my new ward. I certainly wouldn't mind doing something musical, but I would really love to teach again. Except I really wouldn't want to teach the youth or in the primary. Whatever, I'll be happy doing what I'm asked to do. Ok, I'll try to be happy in whatever I'm asked to do.

Everyone always says that you can say no to a calling. I've never been in a spot that I felt that I could turn one down. Although there was that one time that I think I was extended a calling in order for me to introduce the fact that I needed to talk to the Bishop before accepting it...

My room is filled with boxes that I have to go through, yet I want to go to my parents' storage and get more. I miss having all my belongings around me.

I need more furniture. Not that I have place for anything right now (due to the plethora of boxes), but once I parse through the boxes I have, there will be lots of empty space.

I want a brownie. And a camera.

Yeah, I don't think this post made much sense either.

People are strange

I just don't understand people sometimes.

I was recently surprised by the fact that a person has been mad at me for about a month and yet had done nothing to make me aware of that fact. The person just stayed angry, and everytime I did or said something it would just feed into the anger. I can't apologize or explain or try to change my behavior if I have no idea that I'm offending anyone.

In my daily perusal of the internets, I happened to read some end-of-the-year lists, mostly about movies. Most lists were rather positive and fun and interesting, but one was pointing out humor in movies that weren't intended to be funny. Or bad movies that had moments that were laughable. Now, I'm all for finding the funny whenever and wherever you can, but this list seemed to be rather more mean than I was comfortable with.

Another list was the most horrible person list. That was written by a very angry person. Granted a list about horrible people isn't going to be cheerful, but a lot of the language was bitter and crude. At first I was offended by the author's mocking of my religion, but then the author went ahead and abused the Catholic Church too, so I guess they're an equal-opportunity type religion basher. And that last sentence makes me sound just as bad as that author.

I don't understand. I have my hard days, and my angry days, but I don't really want to dwell on them. I much prefer to laugh, to be in a good mood. I've been trying to be nicer to people, to not take my bad moods out on others. And trying to avoid those things that will encourage me to be in a bad mood. So I really don't want to read an angry diatribe about how awful life is.

I like my life. Grated, it's not what I thought it would be 10 years ago, but really, who can predict exactly what's going to happen. And I've decided to make the best of this life that I have. And while there are some parts of my life right now that are uncomfortable, I'm going to get through them.

Anyway, I guess I'm done with the ramble for now.

Oh wait, there was a reason I started off with someone being mad at me. I have been trying to be nicer and positive, like I said, but sometimes I don't quite succeed. I would really appreciate it if instead of going a month (or more) without talking to me, why don't you just talk to me, let me know if I've hurt you. Thanks.

Lists and things

I made a list of all the things that I want to/need to/should do/could do today.

• Write a blog entry.
• Pick one of the tags and do it.
• Check my bank accounts.
• Catch up on the baseball news.
• FedEx those packages.
• Filing for my supervisor.
• Plan for the big move.
• Email and notes to friends that I've neglected.
• Write in letter journal.
• Finish ripping and burning music from the Messiah.

Where to start... First, there needed to be music. I brought some Christmas music to work today. Well, I'm singing in the Messiah this year, so I need to get in the Christmas mood. Then, I needed to get some things out of my head, so I opened the letter journal. (It's a word document that is addressed to a particular person, who may not ever read it.) When I got that out of the way, I checked my account balances. (Notice how actual work productivity isn't even high on the list, let alone something I do first.) Once I ensured that my rent check won't bounce, I turned to work. (Well, after a game or three of Spider Solitare. I love that game.)

Those packages are now ready for pickup. Oh, and I answered the phone several times. And made a call. Now I can focus on some other things for a little while. Like the vital blog entry.

I did look at mlb.com already today and checked the free agent filings. It was good to know that even if all those free agents leave, the D-backs will get a lot of draft picks in return. The farm system will get stocked again.

I found it interesting that of all the randomness of my last entry, the focus was on my hair and appearance, not the hints about moving. Well, I am excited about my hair, so that's ok. I read an article today about haircuts. About a woman with really long hair who on a whim got 8 inches lopped off. Go check it out. My haircut wasn't quite as impulsive. But it is just as drastic. Too bad I didn't get any before and after pics. (Just as a side note, the pic of the author's new haircut is pretty much what my hair looked like after the trauma of my 2nd grade haircut. Imagine having that drastic of a haircut, but not realizing that that's what you were getting. Can you blame me for being hesitant of getting my hair cut?)

Ok, maybe now I'll go get some filing and pretend that I'll be productive for the rest of the afternoon.

Some randomness ...

When I find a husband who can sing, then my friends and I will have our own double quartet. Remember when we struggled to fill in those men's slots? We're only missing my mate, and then they're all filled. I need to find a tenor, I think.

I think that I will be happy to move into a family ward. Even if I have to play the organ. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm done with the YSA thing. Come January, family ward here I come. (Might as well make the moves all at once.)

I have a stockpile of tags and things that I want to do but I'm too lazy. I just need to do one a week. Because I keep finding random ones from my blogroll that I just keep adding onto the list.

I got my hair cut last Saturday. I really like it. (I should call Suzzie and tell her that.) It's even more wild and untamable than it was before. Especially if I fluff the curls. It's fun. And way shorter than it's been in years. In fact, I don't think it's been this short for more than two decades. I really need to get some good pictures of it.

It's a good thing my hair wasn't cut any shorter. I have a fear of getting my hair cut, and I have a greater fear of looking like Little Orphan Annie. But it's just long enough to not form a big red curly afro. If it was just a couple of inches shorter, I think I would be wearing hats or be straightening it everyday.

I'm actually looking forwards to dressing up tonight. I'm pretty sure I'm going to look completely unlike myself. I'm even going to let people take pictures of me. I've got to have a record of this.

Hmm, I think I'm out of randomness for now.

So tired...

I've had a headache since Saturday night. Sometimes it seems to be connected to that big knot in between my shoulder blades. Sometimes it seems to block up my sinuses. Sometimes it eases up, and I think it might just go away. But then it comes back again, this time with the added bonus of throbbing behind my left eye. Just what is up with that?

I know I'm stressed because of work. Everything is tense and worrying. So bored, so constantly annoyed at little things.

I don't even feel like eating lunch. I wish I could just sleep until it goes away. Should I go home early? I don't even know if I'm going to get paid for sitting here today. I wish Fasoli's hadn't closed. Today would be a good day to indulge myself there.